Bedsider

5 Things I Wish My Mom Had Told Me About Sex

Recently I asked how you learned about sex. From what I gathered from the people I spoke to, most of us did not get the “sex talk” from our parents. We talked about sex with our friends or older siblings, or just learned as we went along. This got me thinking: What would have been nice to have known as a teenager?

Here are 5 things I wish my mom had told me about sex:

1. “It’s not that serious! Go ahead and love him, but love yourself more.”

Though I probably wouldn’t have listened at the time, I wish someone would have qualified the love I was in during high school. The love that had me sneaking out my house in the middle of the night and made me lie to my parents about where I was and what I was doing. Now, looking back, I can only wonder what the hell I was thinking. Not only was I giving up my goodies—disrespecting my parents and therefore myself in the process—but it was all for a guy I wouldn’t even give the time of day to if I met him tomorrow. #LessonLearned

2. “You deserve an orgasm just as much as he does.”

Now, I know a lot of grown women don’t necessarily know this either, but I really wish it was on a billboard somewhere. Sadly, it wasn’t until my last relationship that I figured out how this truly goes down. In the past, the window for me having an orgasm was dependent on it happening before his did. Well, in a healthy sexual relationship (I’ve discovered) after one person gets their needs met, they will then be that much more invested in doing whatever it takes to get their partner’s needs met too. There are many ways to keep the party going…

3. “Talk about the sex—before you have it.”

I don’t know about you, but I never talked about sex with a guy I was dating until after we’d had sex. And I’ll admit it’s because I felt like talking about sex wasn’t something that “good girls” did. In my mind it was better to “go with the flow,” making sex something I allowed to happen to me—instead of it being something I thoughtfully made a decision to have. I wish someone had told me that asking, “What’s your favorite position?” or “How often do you like to have sex?” would only make asking, “When was your last STD test?” or “What type of condom do you prefer?” easier.

4. “Sex is amazing, but good sex does not equal a good relationship.”

Sex feels good. If it didn’t, surely it wouldn’t be so prevalent in our society. But obtaining this thing called sex is no reason to put up with a crappy relationship. My first boyfriend once told me, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere—the sex is too good.” And that was completely logical to me at the time, because anyone that could make you feel so good had to be good for you… right? WRONG!

5. “Be comfortable.”

Though I believe it’s okay to sometimes step outside your comfort zone and put on some lingerie or some matching underwear for your partner, what you’re wearing or doing should never make you feel awkward or uneasy. When you’re comfortable, you’re confident. And who doesn’t find confidence sexy? I’d say most guys and gals do (and Bedsider’s Frisky Fridays back me up).

Did you get any of these lessons growing up? What do you wish your parents told you?

*****

Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.