Sex on TV: 4 Sex Scandal Songs Inspired by Justin Bieber
Remember that time when a random girl accused Justin Bieber of fathering her child after she took his virginity backstage at one of his concerts? I know, after what seemed like months, the story finally dropped off the news cycle and I forgot about it for a few minutes, too. But then Bieber went on ex-Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel’s new daytime talk show and dug it up again. Why now? Because the pop superstar just released a new album and one of his new songs, “Maria” (his accuser’s name was Mariah) responds to the scandal through scathing, falsetto-sung lyrics. What begins with actual audio clips of news reports and interviews with the star during the height of the drama turns into a repetitive diddy that’s going to have pre-teen girls across the world singing along to the lyrics, “That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl,” incessantly. At least we’ll get a breather from Call Me Maybe.
In keeping with my feelings—and what I assume was the majority of America’s feelings—at the time the story initially broke, I still couldn’t care less. But then I started thinking about a world where all celebrities embroiled in a sex scandal preached their innocence through the medium of song. Whether or not they were actually guilty won’t matter when their track hits number one on iTunes and in the hearts of teens everywhere. Allow me to lead the charge with four sex scandals songs I think could make excellent chart-toppers:
1) Anthony Weiner: Instead of coming up with anything fresh and new (I mean he did put so little effort into his scandal in the first place; he couldn’t even be bothered to leave his congressional office before he snapped the shots of his namesake), Weiner would just release The Lonely Island ft. Justin Timberlake song “Dick in a Box”—but instead, change the lyrics to “Dick in Your Inbox.”
2) Paris Hilton: Everyone knows Paris Hilton is Bruce Springsteen’s biggest fan. I’d look forward to the music video that would accompany her song “****ing In The Dark”, complete with humans and Chihuahuas donning night vision goggles and a 2-minute interlude of silence while Paris checks herself out in the mirror. That’s hot.
3) Arnold Schwarzenegger: The man fathered a child with his housekeeper. Coupled with his body building background, there is no possible way he wouldn’t borrow a tune from Jock Jams. I’m thinking Technotronic “Pump Up The Jam.“ Something like, “She don’t need, a place to stay, she’ll be mopping up the floor tonight,” and then subbing out the lyrics “Make my day” with “I’ll be back.” Too soon?
4) Hugh Grant: Back in 1995 Hugh Grant was arrested for soliciting sex from Divine Brown after they were caught as she was performing oral sex on him in his car. I’d imagine he would go back and forth, trying to choose the right lyrics to spin the dalliance into a PR opportunity, only to shrug his British shoulders in defeat, sigh “Oh, bollocks,” and wind up recording a cover of Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For the Money.”
Have any better songs for these scandals? Other scandals that should inspire songs of their own? Comments, please!
“Justin Bieber” image by Adam Sundana.
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.