Sex on TV: Longing stares at Downton Abbey
If any of you are like me, you’ve jumped on the Downton Abbey train. And I mean train in the steam locomotion sense, as commercial air travel wouldn’t enter the picture for another decade or so. But you know what I mean. Never did I think I’d see the day when I’d gleefully hop onto my couch with a glass of wine in hand to tune into my favorite program of the week on – wait for it—PBS. At least not until I was 80 or so. But there I am on Sunday nights (or on PBS’s website for mid-week catch up sessions), watching the tail end of Grannies on Safari or This Old House as I wait for Laura Linney to beckon me to early 20th century England.
So we’re there, biting our nails when poor Cousin Matthew is missing in war, rolling our eyes when naïve Sybil rebukes the adorable Branson’s declaration of love…again, and cackling with delight when crotchety Grandma Violet (a.k.a. Minerva McGonagall 4 Life) sends a zinger right into gullible Cousin Isobel’s girdle.
Sure, there’s a war and drama among the house staff and an impossibly cute dog, but the bulk of the storyline boils down to the ‘will they, won’t they’ love between Lady Mary and Cousin Matthew. And for a television show about love, there sure isn’t a ton of lovin’ going on. Aside from the insinuated, though never seen, heart stopping (literally) consummation of Mary and the now-deceased Turk in the first season and a single scene of maid-on-invalid debauchery during the second season, there’s practically zero bed-shaking at Downton Abbey. At least on screen. So why do I still feel the need to describe it as a sexy show?
Folks, Downton Abbey has perfected what is known as the longing glance. A piercing stare characterized by hankering, intensity, probable ujjayi breathing, robust with notes of yearning, aching, and just a touch of cardamom. And boy does Mary give good glance. She could probably get pregnant solely by the lusting in her stares at Cousin Matthew. As for Matthew, although his loins aren’t burning for anyone or anything post-war spinal injury, I’m not giving up hope for a Crawley-Crawley heir. Sybil’s too fickle and while I think it’s obvious that Ethel would miraculously heal from that nasty case of prickly bitch she’s been sporting if she just got laid, I’m not holding out for her to carry on the family genes.
In a nutshell, it sounds ludicrous to say that I get my jollies from an hour-long drama on PBS where STIs are less of a concern than the Spanish Flu, longing glances outnumber steamy sex scenes 100 to 0, and the female characters show less skin than a Barbara Walter’s 20/20. But I do. It just goes to show that television can be well-written, entertaining, and sexy without any vulgarity. So, you hear that, Barbara? Stop skanking it up.
“Downton-Abbey-Episode-7” image by Evian Tsai.
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Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex On TV: So That’s Why They Call It The Boob Tube
Greetings, Tumblees! I may not be as funny as Danny Rouhier or as sex savvy as Lena Chen, but there’s one thing I’m pretty damn good at: watching television. And after many tedious hours of forcing myself (okay, “forcing myself”) to watch episode after episode of sitcoms, dramas, reality television, and the occasional home shopping network program, I’ve discovered something rather groundbreaking. At any given moment, night or day, Law and Order is playing on some channel. 456 episodes over 20 years. Makes sense. But that’s not the headlining news. What I did learn was that television shows love to make their characters get busy. You know, vertical jogging. Making whoopee. Schtupping. And they like doing it a lot. (Arguably, not so much on the Home Shopping Network, but I think we can all agree that there’s something fishy going on with that Shake Weight thing…)
So what’s my vested interest? Growing up, I learned everything I know about sex, love, and relationships from television. I think I entered the scene with 7th Heaven. Since Lucy started dating when she was 12, I figured it was about time to put on my Limited Too training bra and look for the side of boys that didn’t have cooties. During my OC phase, seeing Marissa date Ryan, the bad boy, made me start peering over the proverbial train tracks, just to see what I was missing, ultimately realizing that I was much more interested in the Converse wearing, comic book reading, coffee-cart-proclaiming Seth. Then came college nights spent in Gossip Girl land, yearning to date a guy like Dan—perfectly scruffy, perfectly witty, and perfectly situated in a gorgeous loft in Brooklyn. I’m chronologically regressing somewhat as I now spend my Sunday evenings at Downton Abbey, but no one can exude aching lust in a longing glance like Lady Mary Crawley.
Whether it’s awkward, creative, boring, or ridiculous, television just isn’t the same without sex. After all, what’s more entertaining than watching sex? Well, I guess having sex. But it’s the humanity of it all: sex yields life. Literally. (Unless, of course, you’re using effective birth control.) It can elicit pretty much any human emotion, whether it’s knee-slapping laughter, heartwarming love, or need-to-leave-the-room discomfort. Sometimes, all in the same episode.
This is not a completely brand-spankin’ new venture. You may recall the days of occasional “Sex on TV” postings on the now obsolete SexReally.com. Not ringing any bells? What about this? Yeah, more of that. Probably less snark (but no promises).
So that brings me here, blogging out all the good, bad and ugly news that’s fit to print about boning on Bones, smashing on Smash, and plowing on Ice Road Truckers (Ew. I’m sorry, I had to). I will take one for the team, watch all the shows and ignore all of the distant rumblings of “those who can’t do, teach.” It’s actually my job to watch sex on TV, kids. Beat that.
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Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
