Sex on TV: 10 Reasons I Can’t Put Down 50 Shades of Grey (the Worst Book Series of All Time)
It may not be officially on television quite yet, but I think it’s safe to say that 50 Shades of Grey is enough of a pop culture phenomenon to warrant some discussion here. Plus, the folks at Saturday Night Live are onto it, so that’s gotta’ count for something, right?
For those who recently purchased property underneath a boulder in a remote field or quarry, 50 Shades of Grey is a fictional novel, selling out in bookstores across the country. Apparently it was nearly impossible to even order a copy online for a while, illustrating exactly how hot this commodity was. And trust me, it’s hot. As illustrated in SNL’s satirical commercial, the demographic of Grey’s consumer is married women over 30. Having heard whispers about the book, my decision to scour the city for a copy mostly came after my own mother suggested I read it. Never one to let my mom be ahead of the curve when it comes to what’s trendy, it is physically impossible to fathom my mortification as I began reading and envisioned my mother reading as well.
In what started out as Twilight fan fiction, Grey describes the relationship between Anastasia Steele, a virginal recent college grad, and Christian Grey, the uber powerful, strikingly gorgeous, and insanely wealthy CEO of Grey Enterprises. He’s looking for a submissive sexual partner to tie up and flog, while she’s so naïve, she has to google anal beads. Naturally, they wind up copulating like bunnies, dabble in some BDSM, and realize there may be more to their relationship than a Master spanking his Sub. Look at me working the lingo.
So, upon completion of the first book, I hereby present to you The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, when it comes to 50 Shades of Grey. In full disclosure, I found a surprising amount of ‘Good’ for a book that erred light on story line and heavy on thrusting.
The Good:
1. Not that I’m big into supermarket romance novels with the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” man on the cover, but I’m familiar enough with the formula to appreciate Grey’s lack of cheesy romance jargon. There was not a single throbbing member or heaving bosom mentioned. +1 point. (Not so fast, though—see The Bad for further commentary…)
2. Anastasia’s rationale for being a virgin: it just hasn’t happened yet. Love the idea of waiting for the right person and not feeling pressured. How quickly the cookie crumbles when a Greek Adonis enters the picture—but I’ll give Anastasia a +.5 point for the first couple years of self-control.
3. THE ARRAY OF BIRTH CONTROL! As one of the highest-powered businessmen in the entire country, Christian Grey knows he’s not ready for a baby. That’s why he requires ALL of his submissives to make sure they’re on a method of birth control that’s right for them. Even if it means calling in his private gynecologist on a Sunday. We’re talking discussion of pills, types of pills, accuracy in taking pills, the whole shebang. And, SPOILER ALERT, book two sees some Depo Provera action. That’s right, the shot, mentioned by name. +1000 points. And until her method of choice becomes active…
4. CONDOM USE! Honestly, aside from “earth shattering orgasm”, there is no string of words used more often in the entire book than “foil packet.” Christian admits he’s not a fan of condoms, yet he refuses to have sex with Anastasia without one. Another +1000 points to Team Steele-Grey.
The Bad:
5. So, there may not be any throbbing members, but Grey doesn’t escape completely unscathed in the category of semantics. First, Christian expresses his intentions toward Anastasia by announcing he’s going to “take her now.” Really? If author E.L. James wanted to get all old-timey on us, I would have at least gone for a double entendre, like “plundering her booty.” I get that the human nether region is awkward to talk about without sounding clinical or crude, but there’s no excuse for calling one’s vagina a “sex.” I also realize that Webster’s Dictionary names genitalia as the fourth definition of the word, but seriously? -10 points. I would have preferred “va-ja-jay.” (Ps—His package? Usually referred to as his “arousal,”which is, ironically, also the name of Paris Hilton’s new fragrance. Just kidding. I think.)
6. The entire story takes place in like 2 weeks. I realize that the real-time time frame worked well for 24, but I can assure you that Anastasia Steele is no Jack Bauer. Arguably, her ability to have mind-blowing orgasms every time she has sex—often 5 or 6 times a day—is a pretty bad ass skill, but I wouldn’t defer to her on issues of homeland security. There’s no way that much could happen in 2 weeks. When does she sleep? Pop her zits for 20 minutes in the bathroom? WHEN DOES SHE CATCH UP ON GIRLS? -50 points.
7. Uh, how about that lack of plot? -100 points.
The Ugly:
8. Well there’s definitely no ugly when it comes to the two main characters. Or, any character, now that I think about it. Every character description is of a fabulously attractive and fit individual. Christian, Anastasia, her best friend Kate, the guys who lust after them, even Christian’s security detail. Maybe I need to keep reading further into book three to be introduced to Anastasia’s childhood best friend Lauren, who may sport a bit of a muffin top and have mild acne flare ups once a month, but also gets to experience some wild, multiple-orgasm trysts. Isn’t the point of fan fiction to be able to identify with a character???? -infinity points. Seriously, though.
9. About those orgasms. Anastasia comes. Every.Single.Time. Even her first time. Sometimes multiple times. No matter what. And they seem like pretty damn intense orgasms. But my favorite part? She usually achieves orgasm whenever Christian simply says her name. Oh, okay.-100 points for lack of realism, plus another -100 points for my jealousy.
10. And lastly, THERE’S NO PLOT. -100 points.
Strangely enough, if you tally up all the points, you actually get pi. It must be part of the magic 50 Shades of Grey weaves on its reader. Regardless of the good, the bad or the ugly, I’m clearly addicted. I just wish that was the only embarrassing thing I have in common with every middle-aged woman in America.
“Something for the kiddies, something for mom” image by Todd Mecklem.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex on TV: 5 Reasons I’m Not Sorry I Missed Spring Break
Turning the reins over to Roxanne again. Honestly, her post got WAY more acclaim than all of mine put together either way, so… you’re welcome.
*****
I was first introduced to what “spring break” really meant in elementary school when I used to sneakily watch MTV when my parents weren’t around. While I don’t remember the exact year I first came across MTV’s Spring Break, I can safely assume it looked something like this…
Unlike many of my friends, I have never done the “typical” spring break. This past spring break I had friends in Cancun, Cabo, Barbados, Puerto Plata, and Miami. Usually I would spend my spring break visiting friends at other schools or relaxing at home. Of course all of these schools are in the Northeast, so I was always really jealous of my friends’ tans when it was time to get back to class. Other than the weather, I can’t say I ever felt like I was missing much. So if, like me, you skipped the crazy and wild spring break experience this year, here are a few reasons not to be too broken hearted over it:
Reason 1: Alcohol + heat = a mess. Most college kids are drawn to the above-mentioned locations because of the alcohol. Resorts are all inclusive and have open bars. For those who haven’t reached the coveted age of 21, many of these locations serve alcohol to anyone over 18. Not surprisingly, all this alcohol is bound to get a lot of people drunk. The drinking happens all day long, probably outdoors, probably in extreme heat. Instead of hydrating with water, students drink (more) alcohol. I don’t know about all of you, but being on a beach with a ton of really, really drunk people—probably watching someone throw up on the beach or next to the pool at one point or another—sounds pretty awful… especially if that person is one of my friends and I have to take care of them.
Reason 2: Mystery hook-ups. This can happen anywhere, but on spring break it’s even easier for people to omit information—or even lie—about their sexual history. Both you and your “partner” know that this is a one-time thing and you will probably never see each other again. In the few moments you actually spend talking to this person, you’re unlikely to feel super-comfortable asking about STIs and birth control (can’t say I blame you, it’s a mood killer). But because you know so little about the person, it’s even more important to make sure you are making smart decisions. You don’t want to leave your spring break with an unwanted parting gift like an STI or a pregnancy.
Reason 3: Body shots. Due to the constant lack of clothing, body shots are popular at spring break, but it seems pretty gross to me. Why would I want to take a shot off a stranger’s body or vice versa?
Reason 4: You’re stuck. If you’re going away for spring break, when you get there you can’t leave until your plane ticket says so. So if your dream spring break trip turns into a disaster—say you made a fool of yourself by drunkenly dancing on the bar and undressing—you can’t just take a cab home to get away. Since you basically see the same people every day, you will be noticed throughout the rest of the trip.
Reason 5: You’re spending a lot of money for what’s basically just a college party. A major motive to go on spring break is simply having a bunch of horny, college-aged people in one place. (And yes, the bathing suits are definitely a bonus.) Students go because they feel they have an endless supply of new potential hook-ups for an entire week. Sorry to break the news to people, but you can get this experience just about anywhere and for a lot cheaper. Spring break trips can range in price, but it is definitely going to cost at least a few hundred dollars.
These reasons are good enough for me to limit my “spring break” experience to television, but I know a lot of people disagree. It’s not the idea of spring break that bothers me—it’s students’ attitudes towards it. They openly acknowledge that this is the time to use bad judgment and make dumb mistakes. Do you really want to end up like these people? Seriously… what were they thinking?
“MTV Spring Break 2010” image by mattworkman.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex on TV: Gross Anatomy?
This week in “Sex on TV,” I’ve decided to cut back on the prose and flex the ol’ Illustrator muscles instead. Think of it as a little breather, like when you’d be reading chapter books and there would be those 4-6 glossy pages of pictures right in the middle, illustrating what’s been happening in the first half of the book and letting you know that you’re exactly halfway through. So, you’re all welcome for the reprieve.
In deciding which small screen show to focus on for this project, I chatted with a coworker about Grey’s Anatomy, which we’re both unembarrassed to admit we still watch (though I’ll admit I treat it like an elderly distant relative who I figure doesn’t have much time left, anyway). Nonetheless, our loyalty to the weekly drama led us to draft a relationship diagram, allowing us to visualize just how much overlap and interconnectivity there is on that show in terms of sex. It’s by far one of the grossest visuals I’ve ever seen, which is impressive, given that it consists of nothing more controversial or lewd than names and lines.
But so rarely has the show acknowledged the incest-y tendencies of the couplings. I’ve never been one to judge a person—on-screen or in real life—based on the number of sexual partners they’ve had. But I can’t help but think back to that day in health class when the teacher told us that having sex with one person also means you’re having sex with anyone else they’ve slept with. Initially confused at the notion of pluralistic relationships, it began to make sense when my teacher explained how STIs are transmitted. The folks on Grey’s Anatomy, however, seem to completely ignore their sex-ed experience. True, during the first season, both George and Alex sleep with Olivia, unaware of the other, and they all end up with syphilis. Though I assume everyone self-medicated with the necessary antibiotics (they are in a hospital, after all), never again did anything bacterial or viral go…well, viral. Which should be pretty surprising, considering how convoluted the chart turned out:
*Please note, I’m new to the entire Adobe Design Creative Suite and this seemingly simple chart actually took me roughly 3 months to make.
Check out Alex and George in the middle of it all. Looks like Seattle Grace should collectively take a moment to give thanks for penicillin.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex on TV: Premature Engagement
A note from Lauren: Please excuse my absence this week, but trust in the fact that I’ve left the “Sex on TV” duties to a guest blogger who will not let you down. Plus, like I learned from television, the younger and cuter girl is always more desirable. So I present to you the musings of our intern, Roxanne, who still has the positive and ambitious attitude of a college student. The cynicism will come soon and fast, my dear.
*****
Although I graduated from college this past December, I won’t feel like it’s official until I walk the stage and receive my “diploma” (we all know they just hand you a blank piece of paper). As graduation day approaches, I notice myself getting anxious about my future and I think rightfully so. I have absolutely no idea where I am going to be or what I will be doing in June. Every time I think about my future I feel my stomach churning.
Recently during an episode of Glee, Finn struggled with decisions about his future. He is lost, just as most high school seniors are, but the difference between him and most other students is that he decides love is his number one priority. So he proposes to his girlfriend, Rachel. And for Rachel, growing increasingly nervous about her own future as she watches her friends get accepted to college and make plans while she’s still in limbo, she decides to accept Finn’s proposal. Is this really the way to get control over your life?
It seems like we’ve moved away from the cliché “after prom sex episode” (since now most programs are showing characters having sex throughout high school, not waiting for prom night) and instead towards the life-changing marriage proposal. My first memory of this prolific moment comes from Boy Meets World. Does anyone else remember watching Topanga propose to Corey while the rest of their classmates throw their caps in the air to celebrate their high school graduation? We all know how it ends… they decide not to get married right away and end up getting married during college (I know… so much more realistic).
We then move onto one of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls. As Rory is about to graduate from Yale, Logan (her boyfriend of a couple of years) decides to pop the question. After some deliberation, Rory says no to Logan because, let’s be honest, there is a lot she wants to do before tying the knot. And really, who can blame her?
Even in comedies like That ’70s Show, the teenagers turn to proposals. When Eric is worried about his future with Donna at the end of high school he jumps to proposing. Even though his friends tell him it’s a bad idea, he does it anyway. And guess what… the wedding doesn’t happen. Obviously TV has to make things over the top and dramatic, but does it always have to be this all or nothing nonsense?
Now, before you say I don’t know what I am talking about because I have never been in a serious relationship and when you are in love age doesn’t make a difference, you should all know I have been with same person for almost 5 years. I can also tell you that as I try to figure out my life after graduation, I am not considering marriage. I am 22-years-old and not ready to get married, but that doesn’t mean I want to break-up with my boyfriend or that he isn’t a factor in my decisions. Obviously I can’t speak for him entirely (hope things don’t get awkward when he reads this), but I’m pretty sure we are on the same page.
So what’s wrong with me? According to TV, I should be picking out china patterns and planning my first kid by now. Apparently once a couple has had sex, the next step is marriage. Look at Finn and Rachel—they had sex earlier this season and now we have a proposal. But before they walk down the aisle, they should probably keep in mind that teen marriages are twice as likely to fail as marriages in which the woman is at least 25-years-old.
I’m not saying that teenagers and young adults should give up on love, but it’s important to remember that a relationship, or sex for that matter, doesn’t define you. Who knows if the Finn/Rachel wedding will actually happen, but it’s wrong that just because the two feel lost they made such a drastic decision. An engagement at 18 doesn’t make life less scary or complicated. You need to know who you are before making that type of commitment.
“Engagement ring” image by Tela Chhe.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex On TV: So That’s Why They Call It The Boob Tube
Greetings, Tumblees! I may not be as funny as Danny Rouhier or as sex savvy as Lena Chen, but there’s one thing I’m pretty damn good at: watching television. And after many tedious hours of forcing myself (okay, “forcing myself”) to watch episode after episode of sitcoms, dramas, reality television, and the occasional home shopping network program, I’ve discovered something rather groundbreaking. At any given moment, night or day, Law and Order is playing on some channel. 456 episodes over 20 years. Makes sense. But that’s not the headlining news. What I did learn was that television shows love to make their characters get busy. You know, vertical jogging. Making whoopee. Schtupping. And they like doing it a lot. (Arguably, not so much on the Home Shopping Network, but I think we can all agree that there’s something fishy going on with that Shake Weight thing…)
So what’s my vested interest? Growing up, I learned everything I know about sex, love, and relationships from television. I think I entered the scene with 7th Heaven. Since Lucy started dating when she was 12, I figured it was about time to put on my Limited Too training bra and look for the side of boys that didn’t have cooties. During my OC phase, seeing Marissa date Ryan, the bad boy, made me start peering over the proverbial train tracks, just to see what I was missing, ultimately realizing that I was much more interested in the Converse wearing, comic book reading, coffee-cart-proclaiming Seth. Then came college nights spent in Gossip Girl land, yearning to date a guy like Dan—perfectly scruffy, perfectly witty, and perfectly situated in a gorgeous loft in Brooklyn. I’m chronologically regressing somewhat as I now spend my Sunday evenings at Downton Abbey, but no one can exude aching lust in a longing glance like Lady Mary Crawley.
Whether it’s awkward, creative, boring, or ridiculous, television just isn’t the same without sex. After all, what’s more entertaining than watching sex? Well, I guess having sex. But it’s the humanity of it all: sex yields life. Literally. (Unless, of course, you’re using effective birth control.) It can elicit pretty much any human emotion, whether it’s knee-slapping laughter, heartwarming love, or need-to-leave-the-room discomfort. Sometimes, all in the same episode.
This is not a completely brand-spankin’ new venture. You may recall the days of occasional “Sex on TV” postings on the now obsolete SexReally.com. Not ringing any bells? What about this? Yeah, more of that. Probably less snark (but no promises).
So that brings me here, blogging out all the good, bad and ugly news that’s fit to print about boning on Bones, smashing on Smash, and plowing on Ice Road Truckers (Ew. I’m sorry, I had to). I will take one for the team, watch all the shows and ignore all of the distant rumblings of “those who can’t do, teach.” It’s actually my job to watch sex on TV, kids. Beat that.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Dear Med Student, Does That Line Ever Work?
Originally published on SexReally.com on December 11, 2009.
This week Stefanie’s Crazy Stories will be brought to you by the fabulous Lauren Mann. Why, might you ask? Because this is her crazy story and I don’t think I would do it justice. Have no fear, I will be back next week with hijinx, shenanigans, and antics of all shapes and sizes.
*****
One of the incentives I used to persuade my mother to let me move into an off-campus apartment this year was the fact that many med school students call my building home. I reasoned with her that her dream of having me marry a nice Jewish doctor could be more attainable if I surrounded myself with doctors-in-training. While there were other reasons it made sense for me to get an apartment, I’m pretty certain that was the factor that tipped the scales.
As I moved in, I was slightly disappointed at the small turn-out of students eagerly awaiting my arrival. However, I rationalized, they must be in the library, studying and watching old Grey’s Anatomy and ER reruns, honing their skills, or whatever med students do. My roommate is a Public Health major and spends a considerable amount of time at the med school library and she assured me that they partied just as hard as they studied. I was giddy with excitement when she told me we were going to meet some of her medical-library buddies that night.
Well, they were not exactly the same caliber of “hotness” as indicated in popular medical shows, but they were pretty cute. They were only a few years older than us but seemed light years ahead of the guys in our class. The real clincher was the idea that remained in the back of my mind: these guys got themselves into med school. They can’t be too brainless.
We had a great time. My roommate had been engaging recently in some hot and heavy eye-flirting with one of the guys over the cubicle walls at the library and was excited to finally meet up with him in a social setting. They quickly got acquainted with each other’s anatomy on the dance floor. One of this guy’s friends was sending me some serious flirtatious glances, so I joined him at the bar. He was a perfect gentleman; he bought me a drink and we chatted for a few minutes about school, music, and other common small talk topics. My roommate shot me a look from across the dance floor that I easily translated to “How great is this?!” and I nodded, smiled back and returned to my conversation.
Perhaps I’d spoken too soon. My new friend downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and turned to me as he placed his empty glass down.
“So, are we going to go home together tonight? I just want to know in advance. I’m really busy and need to prioritize, you know?”
No, mother, I did not go home with him, though the way he presented that offer, how could anyone have resisted? And for your information, those doctors-to-be that you pray will finally marry me are bigger douches than their undergraduate counterparts. At least a college guy will put a little time and effort into getting in my pants and then feign understanding when I instead give him my number, tell him to call me and depart. Med school guys have books to read and cadavers to explore. They don’t have time for courtship of any kind and I guess I’m just not “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” enough for them.
You can keep your stethoscopes, med students; I’ll move on to the law school.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
R.I.P. Chivalry
Originally published on SexReally.com on May 25, 2011.
After approximately 800 years in the business of courtship and romance, bringing together billions upon billions of lovers through war, famine, drought, economic hardship, unforeseen obstacles, and reality television, Chivalry has passed away. How can we be sure? See: here, here, and here.
Chivalry, known to many colloquially as the code of male ethics, was born in the early medieval age, though its ancestors have existed in more primitive forms for as long as humans have roamed the earth. With the bougie-est of upbringings, Chivalry blossomed into its fullest form amongst the noble classes. Focusing on service to others, it became known throughout all the lands as the epitome of valor, honor and, most importantly, courtly love.
Over the course of its lifetime, Chivalry came to embrace a simpler life than its detailed, code-driven childhood and adolescence, shedding innumerable pieces of parchment listing rules and regulations for every interaction, downsizing to a much more manageable definition of courtesy to others, particularly women. The grand gestures of eras past were scaled down slightly, with stories of duals and courtly romance retiring to an eternity of fairytales, replaced with coats placed over puddles (or chilled shoulders), a helping hand out of a carriage or vehicle, and accompanying a female companion while walking on the side of the street closest to the traffic.
Chivalry, sort of like Madonna, reinvented itself at various points during its lifetime, evolving with changing attitudes towards gender roles and sex. It distanced itself when women asserted their equality and adopted a less condescending and more polite focus. As men and women began exploring the constraints of a sexual relationship and its relation to marriage, Chivalry heralded this exploration, and allowed itself to extend to a general common decency for all human beings. Men and women held doors open for each other, the Sadie Hawkin’s dance was invented, and dates went Dutch, even outside the Netherlands.
Things started looking grim during Chivalry’s last few years, as basic courtesies like leaving the toilet seat down and offering to pay on the first date became rarities and often required a request. While on its deathbed, nothing gave an ailing Chivalry more joy than the few times that retro instances of its imprint were honored, primarily during engagement and marriage ceremonies and the once a year a man opened a car door for a woman.
It lasted through the invention of automatic doors, mobile phones, and internet dating. It evolved as bras were burned, birth control was celebrated, and friends gained “benefits”. It re-evaluated its core principles era upon era and never backed down from innovation. Even while under siege for seeming chauvinistic, sexist, and archaic, Chivalry was always willing to embrace modernization and conform as best as it could.
Chivalry is survived by its loving, though aging children Politeness and The Rare Gentleman, as well as its infamous estranged love child from the summer spent by the beach in New Jersey, Douchebag.
“Cemetery of Chettle parish church” photo by Johan Doe.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Girl Talk and Guy Talk Is Like Spaghetti and Waffles
Originally published on SexReally.com on October 14, 2009.
During this week’s episode of “Greek,” Casey and Ashleigh come up with a sneaky plan to uncover the things guys talk about when girls aren’t around. They’re shocked to hear the KT guys not discussing jock straps, but instead, mature topics, like the prevalence of sex on college campuses and how one in two pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned.
So, it’s an established (if dubious) stereotype that guys are usually discussing all the major topics (breasts, beer and breasts) when girls aren’t around, but what are girls really giggling about all the time?
Sex. Stop scoffing; you all know it’s true. I’m not afraid to call every female out on this one; we accuse men of having one-track minds when we aren’t exactly practicing what we preach. A woman may act disgusted listening to men engaging in a so-called ‘male-oriented conversation,’ but that same woman has probably had conversations with her girlfriends that could make even the crudest man blush.
In my experience, girls are less restricted and tend to use more details than guys. It wouldn’t be outlandish if diagrams or reenactments accompanied an all-girl conversation about sex. We surround ourselves with sex. Two of my best girlfriends created a sex talk show for our college radio station and another girlfriend threw a sex-toy party for her birthday where all kinds of toys, outfits and accessories were displayed and available for purchase. One of my girlfriends even hosted a viewing party of a sex-tape she created with her boyfriend (though we all agreed that was crossing some crucial boundaries). Television shows like Sex and the City set new social standards for females and the open discussion of sex. So, maybe there aren’t as many differences in what the genders discuss amongst themselves. Girls might be able to give guys a run for their money in how often we discuss sex with other girls, but it’s the way in which guys and girls communicate with each other that really needs examining.
I came across an interesting analogy that strikes me as pretty accurate: men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Now, ignoring the questionable anatomical images that might be passing through your mind, it actually makes sense. Men are able to compartmentalize, breaking their thoughts and ideas into little squares. They’re able to cut a piece, put it in their mouths, chew it, swallow it and then process it - all in a metaphorical sense, of course. Women, on the other hand, are like noodles, each idea flowing into the next, like one long thought; every issue is connected to other issues. The differences between these two culinary delights are what make communication between the two sexes so difficult at times.
Don’t take my word for it…it IS the title of a book. But really, communication studies 101: report vs. rapport. Men report—that is, they convey information by providing the facts and details and that’s it. Women engage in rapport, tending to refer to many things during conversation, resulting in further intimacy and connection to whomever they’re speaking to. It’s not the content of the conversations that differs so greatly, rather the method in which both groups communicate.
So is it possible for frat guys to be discussing unplanned pregnancy statistics in their free time? Among guys I know, the “p” word is considered an obscenity. However, I do believe that the male mind may have brief sparks of thought that don’t revolve around breasts. That is, provided those thoughts are served with a side of maple syrup.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Everything I Need to Know About Sex I Learned From…TV?
Originally published on SexReally.com on August 20, 2009.
Cue the seductive look. Passionate kiss. Clothes ripped from bodies. Heavy breathing. Sheets pulled over heads. Cut to an attractive couple, lying side by side, cheeks flushed, faces matte, hair coiffed. Just like real life, right?
Not so much. In the magical world of television, however, this is the standard protocol for a love scene, employed in almost every adult-oriented drama, sitcom and comedy on air. A show with romantic character development would seem incomplete, or maybe even implausible, without sex scenes. In actuality, the most implausible thing on TV is often the sex itself. In a society that is so greatly influenced by the media, what if everything we knew about sex came from television?
In a world where sex in real life is the same as it appears on TV…
To begin, everyone is incredibly attractive. Not a single pound too heavy, perfectly groomed and manicured. Under-eye bags and blemishes don’t exist and no one seems even remotely fatigued from a long work week. Use the last drop of energy you have left at the end of the week to try and drag yourself to the gym? Not here! With your boundless energy and perfect figure, you might as well apply that same motivation to bagging the attractive co-worker who has been giving you coy looks all week long.
The moment you think about your crush, your phone instantly rings. Isn’t dating convenient in Televisionland? Not at all awkward, never a lull in the conversation or secret mutual knowledge that each person stalked the other’s Facebook page prior to the date. And since this is a date, it obviously ends with…
Sex. Because everyone has sex on the first date. Even though this could be the first time you’ve slept with this person, you seem to know each other perfectly. It’s almost - dare I say - scripted. There are no accidental head bumps or awkward moments of uncertainty about where one should place a limb. Your clothes are ripped off effortlessly - in Televisionland, it is impossible for one to attempt to pull a shirt over their head, only to have the shirt stuck around their neck as they yank at the material. No month-old bikini waxes, no embarrassing tattoos from youth, and certainly no granny panties.
Discussions about using protection? Not needed, telepathy apparently has that one covered. In the rare case that a condom is used, it is slipped on easily and never even slightly disrupts the passion. Foreplay doesn’t exist because it’s not needed either. There’s no desire to laugh when the friction of body parts make embarrassing noises, as friction does not exist in television world. Then again, none of the funny sounds (or lack thereof) of sex can be heard at all because you have an expertly chosen soundtrack to background the most amazing sex of you life. How do you know it’s amazing? Because both of you reach intense orgasms simultaneously within 15 seconds (as you do every time you have sex in Televisionland) and collapse next to each other.
No one needs to use the bathroom after sex and everything, including the sheets, is mess-free. The sheet is tucked neatly under the female’s toned arms and wrapped around the man’s sculpted waist (and yes, sex scenes on TV generally consist of one man and one woman). Neither of you even thinks about a shower because you’re still perfectly coiffed, made-up and sweat-free. As you fall asleep, you spoon affectionately - no one struggles with where to put their arms so as not to suffer pins and needles.
The glorious morning after. Don’t cringe - it’s fun here! You wake up fresh-faced and, more importantly, fresh-breathed, no matter what you did - or how much you drank - the night before. Depending on the time of your commercial break, you may or may not have morning sex, and then you find your clothes, folded and clean, never in a ball on the floor, and look your partner straight in the eye as you dress. Walk of shame? What’s that? There is nothing awkward about sex in Televisionland - it’s always exciting and always satisfying.
Don’t just take it from us - we enlisted the help of friends, family and strangers to identify other ridiculous portrayals of sex on television. Did we miss anything? Leave us a comment!
- A woman never takes her bra off for sex (yeah, what’s up with that??).
- The first time is always perfect, and special, especially when both partners are virgins.
- Within 30 seconds of finishing, both partners are raring to go again.
- Personal clean-up doesn’t exist: co-workers go right back to work after a sweaty workplace romp.
- Men never say no. And all women want them.
- If someone does buy condoms (rare), someone they’d rather not see (parent, ex, boss, etc.) is always at the store when they’re making the purchase.
- Men are always ready to go immediately. (Erectile dysfunction is only seen in commercials.)
- The only women who say no are abstinence nuns.
- No one has abortions. Or even talks about them.
- All women have huge boobs.
- No one has parents or family members to help them figure out relationships. And if they do, these relatives are either precocious children or middle-aged buffoons.
- No one gets the “Sunday Sads” after doing it on the first date.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
