Method Monday: Masturbation

Okay, we’re being a bit cheeky, but for many people masturbation is an important part of successfully pulling off the “Not right now” approach to sex and pregnancy prevention. And since May is National Masturbation Month, we thought it deserved some Method Monday love. So, what is there to say?

  • It’s got perks. Charlie Glickman of Good Vibrations (the company that founded National Masturbation Month) listed some benefits for a Las Vegas Weekly article. “It’s fun. It feels good. It relieves stress. And it’s likely the safest sex you’ll ever have. Masturbation is also one of the best ways to learn about your body and discover what turns you on.” Need more evidence? Check out this article by Dr. Yvonne Fulbright on the health benefits of masturbation.
  • Don’t believe everything you hear about it. There are many myths about masturbation, most of which were crafted in a world of pure imagination (and not the fun kind). Fortunately Planned Parenthood has a couple resources devoted to separating fact from fiction.
  • Did we mention that, when used correctly, it’s 100% effective at preventing pregnancy? And by correctly, we mean instead of intercourse—not just to switch things up.
  • There are tools (many, many tools) to make it easier and more fun. It’s a great time to be a sex toy user since manufacturers are now creating toys that are eco-friendly, safe, discreet, and chic. You can always shop online, or if you’re feeling up for an outing, check out our Frisky Friday with some excellent tips on how to feel confident walking into a sex shop.
  • You don’t have to be alone. Mutual masturbation (a form of outercourse) can be a great option for couples who want to be intimate but don’t want to “go all the way” for one reason or another. It can also be a great way to learn about your partner’s likes and dislikes without putting yourself at risk of unintended pregnancy or STIs. Outercourse can even be an option for committed couples who want to have kids at some point and in the meantime just really don’t want to take any chances. Don’t believe us? Check out Jason talking about using “Not right now” with his wife until they’re ready to start a family: Remember, though, that some STIs can spread via oral sex or skin to skin contact, so “everything but” isn’t necessarily completely risk-free. And if you’re using “Not right now” with a partner but find yourselves moving closer to the “right now” or “sort of right now” end of the spectrum, it couldn’t hurt to look into some “right now” methods. You know, just in case… 

Whatever masturbation means to you—whether it’s “rehearsing alone” or with a partner—we just, well, we really hope you enjoy the rest of your May.

“I believe in furidous masturbation” image by Dani Lurie.

The STI testing question of the hour: Where?

“Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to HIV and other sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). Early diagnosis and treatment means better long-term health and less likelihood of passing the infection on to future sexual partners. So why don’t more people in the U.S. get tested? Two new studies suggest that where the testing is happening may be part of the answer…

The HPV vaccine: Is it working yet?

We’ve called HPV (human papillomavirus) the common cold of the sexually active world—but just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s not worth preventing when possible. While there are 40 different strains of the virus, only a couple of them are the major cause of cervical cancer (types 16 and 18) and most genital warts (types 6 and 11). In 2006, young women in the U.S. started using a vaccine—Gardasil—that protects against those four types of HPV.

It’s still too soon to tell whether Gardasil will have an effect on how rates of cervical cancer, but a study from California suggests it might already be making a difference when it comes to genital warts.

Girls (with new wave hairdos…)

STIs, virginity, confusing hookups, and a visit to the lady doctor, all in one episode? Lauren’s not the only one who’s excited about the debut of Girls. But with all the conversation the show has already sparked, does anyone else out there have this song on repeat in their heads? Not that we’re complaining…  

We give the show props for realistically representing how young women use—and don’t use—birth control. But we won’t lie and say we’re not fantasizing about an episode where the characters discover the wonderful world of long-acting reversible contraception. (Fingers crossed!)

Method Monday: Condoms!

In honor of STD Awareness Month, we’ve decided this Method Monday to feature the only method of birth control available on the U.S. market that protects against both pregnancy and STDs (a.k.a. STIs). You know it, you love it, you probably think of it every time you hear the phrase “safe sex.” It’s…the condom!

The condom comes in two forms—external (which we refer to as the male condom on Bedsider) and internal (which we call the female condom)—and both protect against STIs. We did a Method Monday post about the female condom recently—check it out if you haven’t already—so this Monday we’re focusing on the male condom. So what is there to know?

Happy wrapping!

5 Handy Facts for STD Awareness Month

When we think of April, two things come to mind—rain and STD Awareness Month (not necessarily in that order). We recommend an umbrella (or a romantic spirit) for the first and our friends over at GYT for the latter. You’ve probably heard the stat—one in two people will get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by age 25, and most of them won’t know it. The GYT campaign aims to reduce the spread of STDs (which, BTW, we at Bedsider refer to as STIs for sexually transmitted infections) among young people first through information (and prevention), then through testing and treatment as needed. On their site you can find a testing center, get tips on talking to your partner and your provider, and read about STI prevention, a.k.a. condoms. You should head on over there right after you check out these 5 handy facts we put together for your STI-awareness-raising arsenal. 

1) Going for your routine pap smear/check up is really important, but don’t assume because everything is normal with your pap that you’re in the clear for STIs. Generally you have to ask to be screened for any STI you’re concerned about. (And if you’re nervous about bringing up sex with your doctor, we’ve got tips for making that less awkward, too.)

2) HPV is really, really common. Still, there are things you can do to reduce your odds of getting it like getting vaccinated, being selective in terms of partners, and using condoms. Screening to make sure you don’t have it, or to keep an eye on it if you do, is also super important.

3) We hear nasty rumors sometimes about the pill causing infertility, but science has shown that to be the stuff of myth. Actually, if you’re worried about your fertility—current or future—the best thing you can do is get screened for STIs. Take Chlamydia, for example—somewhere in the neighborhood of three million Americans are infected with it each year. STIs like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea, if left undiagnosed and untreated, can cause scarring in the tubes connecting your ovaries and uterus and make it hard to get pregnant later.

4) Some STIs don’t have any symptoms, so you can’t always tell if you (or someone you want to sleep with) have one. Do you see where we’re going with this?

5) Oral sex is not a free pass. Or rather—oh, puns!—it can be a free pass to STI transmission. So always use a condom or a dental dam for oral sex if you don’t know your partner’s status.

Speaking of knowing your partner’s status, there is actually (would we joke about this?) an app for that. In fact, we know of at least two—Qpid.me and ChecMate—that help make sharing your status easier.

If this is all old news for you, pass it on to a friend. Don’t feel like scrolling up? Here’s that GYT link again. And check back here for our next Method Monday—we’ll be posting about that magic method that protects against both pregnancy and STIs…condoms.

So, uh, Got Any STDs I Should Know About?

Originally published on SexReally.com on December 1, 2009.

Ever been really nervous about asking someone about their sexual history and STIs, then ended up having a beautiful, completely unawkward conversation? Maybe not. And that’s okay. I’d wager that for many of us there are few, if any, ideal moments to bring up contraception and sexually transmitted infections (STIs, more commonly known as STDs), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to be done. Furthermore, no matter how sweet, open, and honest your partner is, you should never assume that s/he will volunteer information about sexual history or STIs, even if there’s something you should know about.

Wondering what you need to know? Health.com has a pretty thorough list of “10 Questions to Ask a New Partner Before Having Sex” to get you started. I confess reading this list got me thinking about how exactly one should go about broaching these important but awkward topics.

I humbly submit a few thoughts on the matter:

  • You might not want to ask these questions on a first date, but they can be something to tackle incrementally over time, starting when you’re first getting to know someone and continuing as you get more involved. Many sex educators advise parents to start talking to their children about sex and relationships—in an age-appropriate way—from a young age and continue till adulthood. Of course the timeline may be different for a romantic relationship, but the idea of establishing trust and ongoing communication early on certainly applies.
  • If you go the one-formal-conversation route, it’s probably best to do it somewhere relatively comfortable and private and not in the heat of the moment. (EHow backs me up on this one).
  • If you wait till the heat of the moment, be prepared to stop what you’re doing.
  • On a related note, as Dr. Elizabeth Boskey notes in an excellent post about negotiating safer sex, “when you sit down to talk to your partner before the first time you have sex, know that their answers could lead to you deciding not to have sex with that person—that night, that month, or ever.”
  • That said, Sylvia Mayorga of Sex, Etc ventures that “chances are that if you are honest with your partner, he or she will appreciate your truthfulness. That kind of honesty might even strengthen the emotional bond between you.”

Have you ever talked STIs and contraception with a new partner? How did you (or your partner) bring up the topic? How’d the conversation go?

*****

Liz Sabatiuk is Social Media Manager for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. When she’s not blogging about birth control and relationships, she dances and teaches Argentine tango and spends a little too much time on Facebook.

Is It Okay to Keep Secrets From Your Partner?

someecards.com - This is great and all, but do we really have to share everything?

Originally published on SexReally.com on August 9, 2011

“The secret to marriage is to lie,” a colleague once told me. “I hide how much money I spend on jewelry and my husband pretends not to notice.”

This advice was given to me, unsolicited, by a woman who has been happily married for over thirty years. It made me laugh, but it also made me think about secrets in relationships. Is it really best to keep some things to yourself?

I’ve collected and weighed in on 4 scenarios where people stumbled upon their significant other’s secret or kept a secret from their significant other. Are any of them doing the right thing by keeping a secret?

1. Secrets about Money

The Scenario: Carrie had been dating Kirk for over a month when she found out he was still living with his parents. “We kept going back to my place after dates,” she said, “and one night I asked if we could go to his place and he said no. He ended up telling me he was deep in debt and lived in his childhood home with his parents. Did I mention he is 40?”

Carrie dated Kirk for almost two years after that. She didn’t necessarily care that he had financial problems, but it did become an issue when, for example, Kirk had a boot put on his car. He couldn’t pay to have it removed and the car was towed and eventually put up for auction. Lack of transportation meant logistical problems with seeing each other. For the length of their relationship Carrie knew Kirk had financial troubles, yet he continually tried to hide them from her.

“I think it was just about pride,” she said. “I think it was hard for him to be that age and to not have money.” She then relayed some advice her mother gave her when she started dating: “Romance without finance is a nuisance.”

To Tell, Or Not To Tell: These days most people have debt and, in this economy, many are facing some type of financial difficulty. I think coming clean depends on the length and depth of the relationship. On a first date you may not want to mention that Mom and Dad are paying rent. But, if the relationship moves forward your partner is going to find out, so it is best to come clean.

If the relationship is moving even deeper into talks of, “Let’s go shopping for engagement rings,” there definitely needs to be a talk about finances. Do some soul searching about your financial expectations:

  • Does your partner need to be debt-free?
  • Do you plan to help your significant other pay off debt?
  • Are you prepared to go into a long-term relationship with someone whose credit score is dismal?

If you are the one who is having a money flow problem, it’s best to think about your options before you get into a sticky situation. If you are dating it could mean talking with your significant other about what types of activities you want to do together (like packing a picnic versus going to a restaurant for a four-course meal). Basically, the deeper the commitment, the more open you and your partner should be about finances.

2. Secrets about Drug Use

The Scenario: Katie didn’t know her boyfriend, Brian, smoked marijuana until she walked in on him smoking up. Opinions about personal drug use vary, but for Katie involvement with someone who smoked pot was out of the question. And Brian knew it.

Brian didn’t flat out lie to Katie. Throughout their months of dating she never point blank asked him if he ever used drugs. His secret was omitting that particular part of his life.

“Was it lying? Yes, I do think it was a form of lying. It’s dishonesty,” Katie said. After Katie stumbled upon Brian’s secret he admitted to smoking up multiple times per week.

To Tell, or Not to Tell: Brian hid something that he engaged in on a regular basis because he knew Katie wouldn’t approve. Katie fell hard for him, but once she found out about his drug use she felt like she loved only a version of him that he wanted to reveal.

If you are like Katie and find that someone you love has been hiding their drug/alcohol use, there are numerous places where you can get help. Al-anon and Alateen are places where you can find support.

If you are keeping your drug / alcohol consumption a secret, it may be a sign of addiction. Let me be clear – it doesn’t make you a bad person. Many people struggle with substance abuse, and there are places where you can get help. Check out these signs of drug abuse and addiction and if they seem familiar, look into getting help (a couple good starting places are Narc-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous).

3. Secrets about Past Sexual Activity

The Scenario: At the end of Delaine Moore’s marriage she had an affair. Now divorced, she dates regularly but doesn’t feel a need to tell partners how her marriage ended. Even though Delaine keeps mum about her secret past, she is opening up about her dating life post-divorce in her new book, The Secret Life of a Newly Single Mom: A One-Year Memoir of Finding Sex & Satisfaction After Divorce.

To Tell, or Not to Tell: Your current partner doesn’t need to know every detail of your sexual past. Delaine made a mistake, owned up to it, and is trying to move on with her life.

However, if your sexual past is going to potentially affect the health of your current partner, you must open up. If you have an STI or are HIV+, it’s your ethical responsibility to inform potential partners about your status. In fact, withholding your HIV status is criminal in some states (find out the laws in your area.) Your partner(s) need(s) to be able to make an informed decision about their level of sexual involvement.

Not sure of your status? Then it’s time to get tested. Unsure of your partner’s status? It’s time to have a conversation about it. It may be a bit uncomfortable, but your personal health is first and foremost. (Check out the article, “So, Uh, Got any STDs I Should Know About?” for helpful hints on how to start that talk.)

4. Secrets about Current Sexual Activity

The Scenario: From the outside Megan appears to be a normal wife and mother. The secret she keeps from her husband is that she has sex with strangers when she goes out of town on business.

“I can’t believe I have done this…I’m ashamed of how I have acted and don’t know what to do about it,” she said. “What this says to me is that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with my husband. I’m not getting what I need out of it—attention, appreciation, love, and sex.”

To Tell, Or Not to Tell: Megan is very aware that what she is doing is wrong. Her secret could affect the sexual health of her husband and most certainly will influence the emotional health of her family. Right now Megan is living a dual life that isn’t fair to anyone involved. Her secret needs to come to the surface so she can deal with the reasons behind her cheating.

In Sum…

Everyone has information that they would rather keep hidden. Many times holding your cards close can be a good idea. You are allowed to have your own life and to make mistakes along the way, after all, and sometimes your partner really doesn’t need to know everything. But, when your secret could influence your partner’s life—especially his/her emotional and physical health—you need to fess up. There might be anger and hurt. And there is a possibility that your significant other may leave you. Sometimes, though, the weight of keeping a secret is worse then the secret itself.

When Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true,” he probably didn’t realize he was giving fantastic dating advice. But, he was on to something. You deserve to be fully yourself in a trusting relationship. If you are keeping secrets, think about your true reasons for not telling your partner. Is what you are holding back going to potentially endanger him/her? Then it’s either time to come clean or end the relationship.

If you are the one who was lied to, try to think about the reasoning behind the secret. Was your partner trying to protect you, or did he/she hold things back for their own self-interest? Was it truly an oversight of omitting information? If so, maybe it is time to exercise forgiveness. If the secret is putting you in harm’s way, though, it’s time to let go.

There are no hard and fast rules about secrets because relationships have so many gray areas. However, two basic elements of love are trust and respect. Do you trust your partner? Do you feel he/she is respectful when it comes to your heart and your body? Only you can answer those questions.

*****

Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).

Sex on TV: 5 Reasons I’m Not Sorry I Missed Spring Break

Turning the reins over to Roxanne again. Honestly, her post got WAY more acclaim than all of mine put together either way, so… you’re welcome.

*****

I was first introduced to what “spring break” really meant in elementary school when I used to sneakily watch MTV when my parents weren’t around. While I don’t remember the exact year I first came across MTV’s Spring Break, I can safely assume it looked something like this…

Unlike many of my friends, I have never done the “typical” spring break. This past spring break I had friends in Cancun, Cabo, Barbados, Puerto Plata, and Miami. Usually I would spend my spring break visiting friends at other schools or relaxing at home. Of course all of these schools are in the Northeast, so I was always really jealous of my friends’ tans when it was time to get back to class. Other than the weather, I can’t say I ever felt like I was missing much. So if, like me, you skipped the crazy and wild spring break experience this year, here are a few reasons not to be too broken hearted over it:

Reason 1: Alcohol + heat = a mess. Most college kids are drawn to the above-mentioned locations because of the alcohol. Resorts are all inclusive and have open bars. For those who haven’t reached the coveted age of 21, many of these locations serve alcohol to anyone over 18. Not surprisingly, all this alcohol is bound to get a lot of people drunk. The drinking happens all day long, probably outdoors, probably in extreme heat. Instead of hydrating with water, students drink (more) alcohol. I don’t know about all of you, but being on a beach with a ton of really, really drunk people—probably watching someone throw up on the beach or next to the pool at one point or another—sounds pretty awful… especially if that person is one of my friends and I have to take care of them.

Reason 2: Mystery hook-ups. This can happen anywhere, but on spring break it’s even easier for people to omit information—or even lie—about their sexual history. Both you and your “partner” know that this is a one-time thing and you will probably never see each other again. In the few moments you actually spend talking to this person, you’re unlikely to feel super-comfortable asking about STIs and birth control (can’t say I blame you, it’s a mood killer). But because you know so little about the person, it’s even more important to make sure you are making smart decisions. You don’t want to leave your spring break with an unwanted parting gift like an STI or a pregnancy.

Reason 3: Body shots. Due to the constant lack of clothing, body shots are popular at spring break, but it seems pretty gross to me. Why would I want to take a shot off a stranger’s body or vice versa?

Reason 4: You’re stuck. If you’re going away for spring break, when you get there you can’t leave until your plane ticket says so. So if your dream spring break trip turns into a disaster—say you made a fool of yourself by drunkenly dancing on the bar and undressing—you can’t just take a cab home to get away. Since you basically see the same people every day, you will be noticed throughout the rest of the trip.

Reason 5: You’re spending a lot of money for what’s basically just a college party. A major motive to go on spring break is simply having a bunch of horny, college-aged people in one place. (And yes, the bathing suits are definitely a bonus.) Students go because they feel they have an endless supply of new potential hook-ups for an entire week. Sorry to break the news to people, but you can get this experience just about anywhere and for a lot cheaper. Spring break trips can range in price, but it is definitely going to cost at least a few hundred dollars.

These reasons are good enough for me to limit my “spring break” experience to television, but I know a lot of people disagree. It’s not the idea of spring break that bothers me—it’s students’ attitudes towards it. They openly acknowledge that this is the time to use bad judgment and make dumb mistakes. Do you really want to end up like these people? Seriously… what were they thinking?

“MTV Spring Break 2010” image by mattworkman.

*****

Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.

Our latest "Get on Top" News digest (the STI/condom/sex-ed-still-rocks edition)

Herpes remains cureless, HPV goes oral, BV gets STI status, don’t believe everything you hear about condom problems, binge drinking’s bad news for condom use among college freshmen, and sex ed is still awesome.