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Sex on TV: Project Run Away From the Babies

I was skeptical about last week’s episode of Project Runway starting at the end of the previous episode, when I learned that for the first time the contestants would be designing for babies. And I’m not referring to the needy-client kind of baby. Real babies. The skepticism was on two counts: A) I don’t think it’s fair to send a designer home this late in the competition (there are only six of them left) for designing a bad outfit for a baby, and B) I don’t see high fashion and babies as things that really go together. I’m not a parent myself, but if I were, I like to think that I’d still not be totally okay with the idea.

It’s not unprecedented for the designers to be tasked with creating a look for an unconventional model. Over the past nine seasons they’ve dressed puppies, “real” women (a.k.a. not rail-thin models), men, and even Barbie dolls. But, thanks to Heidi Klum’s new fashion line for babies at Babies-R-Us, the designers would now be competing for their looks to shamelessly promote be featured in stores as part of Heidi’s collection.

I was prepared for at least mild outrage from the designers at having to design for babies, but when those strollers rolled out, some of the designers were surprisingly accepting of the challenge. When she was matched up with her baby, Elena—the one you can usually count on to have a terrible attitude—said, “She’s so adorable I can’t even take it.” On the other hand, Dmitry, easily one of my favorite contestants ever, was probably least excited. He said (see animated gif above), “We’re all screwed. Those babies are really, really small. I’m not even sure how old they are, but I’m pretty sure they can’t talk. It’s like making an outfit for a cat.” And, with that, it’s established: None of the designers know anything about babies.

When the designers are leaving the store, Heidi warns them that they’re in for a twist. Now, normally I would have guessed that they had to design a second look for the baby’s mother (which indeed was the second twist later in the show), but it’s clear that Heidi and Tim are up to something much more mischievous than that. The designers know it’s not going to be good. They get back to the workroom where they find miniature dress forms and…more babies! Only this time, they’re dolls that are, as Elena explains so eloquently, “screaming, crying babies they give to teenagers before they have sex.”

That’s right—the designers have to babysit what Chris calls “demon spawn of Satan” fake babies while constructing and sewing clothes for real babies. Tim explains to them that the babies will cry when they need to be rocked, fed, or have their diaper changed. And why is Tim giving them the dolls? Tim tells them it’s so they “understand what goes into creating clothing for infants.” Sure, because babies don’t do other stuff you need to keep in mind when clothing them, like squirm around and puke on themselves. Seeing the despair on the contestants’ faces, Tim actually tells them, “If you run into the hills, you have to take the baby with you.” I love Tim Gunn.

Sonjia looks legitimately terrified of the doll. When Dmitry’s starts crying, he kindly asks, “Baby, please, shut up.” While it was tough to pick a favorite, Chris’ best line of the night is, “Now I know why Judy went off the deep end with Liza.” Elena, who had been so in love with the real life baby before, threatens to throw either her doll or herself out a window. They may not know anything about babies, but those designers know hyperbole.

A few short TV minutes later, the workroom is in chaos. Every doll is screaming. And let me tell you, as a viewer, I was suffering with them. By far the most annoying episode of Project Runway ever, and that’s saying something. Surely the designers were all feeling incredibly grateful that all their lives they had been able to create beautiful clothing without having to listen to or hold a screaming baby doll.

The next day, Tim comes in and gives all of us the best news we have ever received: All the dolls are being taken to daycare. The funny thing is, though, the dolls never come back. It’s like “daycare” is a euphemism for “the producers have realized that this was a horrible idea and pointless gimmick…but want to thank the contestants for the amazing one-liners.”

I have to say that despite all my skepticism, I enjoyed watching the runway show. I’m not even really into babies, but if given the opportunity I might have walked out of there with the baby Sonjia dressed. Melissa has put her baby in a white cocktail dress, which quickly becomes a shirt and diaper. Dmitry made a Super Mario Bros. costume for his. Chris won for the girls design and Sonjia won for the boys design, but I don’t have anything more to say about that because I’m totally ambivalent about baby clothes. Elena’s outfit sent her home, which I think kind of sucks because, even though she’s not the strongest designer, this challenge says nothing about her talents.

So, kids, what have we learned today?

• First, Nina Garcia is a mom and did not eat her young as we had all assumed.
• Second, babies can be distracting when you’re trying to work and indeed do all three of things the computerized dolls do and much more, but at least there’s some kind of pay off—they’re babies and they’re cute. The designers all certainly thought so when they met the real babies at the beginning of the challenge. They’re not screaming plastic dolls that provide a reward-less experience that you can then rid yourself of in a few days or even hours.
• And, finally, no one ever needs to put those dolls on television ever again. Ever.

Amazing animated gif courtesy of Oh No They Didn’t.

*****

Chelsey Storin is the Manager of Policy and Programs at The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. She grew up in Georgia, but only has a Southern accent after she has had at least two cocktails. She enjoys playing video games, cooking, and hanging out with her rescue mutt, Sophie.