No to yes. Yes to no. What to do when attraction changes
We’ve all heard of love—or lust—at first sight. But what about the people you don’t notice at first, then one day realize are irresistible? Or the people you can’t get enough of at first, then suddenly realize you’re not attracted to anymore? This week’s Frisky Friday has tips on how to deal with an unexpected shift in chemistry.
Fetish Friday: Anasteemaphilia
Know who Paul Sturgess is? If you were into anasteemaphilia you might. He’s the tallest player in the NBA and anasteemaphilia is being sexually attracted to a person because they are taller (or smaller) than you.
5 Tips for Flirting, Onscreen and Off
My vlog question this month was what makes someone a “Smooth Talker.” After many interviews, I’ve concluded that a big part of it is showing romantic interest in someone in a way that gets them interested too. Otherwise known as flirting—something I am constantly being accused of, even when my interest is 100% non-romantic. However, when I am looking to get the attention of someone I find attractive, there are at least 5 things I know I do. And they work in TV and movies too!
Check them out:
1. Make your presence known. When you’re interested in someone, make sure they know you exist. This can be accomplished simply by smiling, maintaining eye contact, and initiating conversation. May seem obvious, but even I have been guilty of depending on mutual friends to introduce me to someone I find cute. But a casual introduction by a third party does not say, “I think you’re hot!” And the key is to make a lasting impression. Anyone who’s watched the movie Hitch’s Alex ‘Hitch’ Hitchens (Will Smith) has witnessed this being accomplished against all odds:
2. Give compliments. And not just obvious ones. Instead, be in the moment and look for actions or traits that genuinely impress you to comment on. If the person you’re interested in says something to make you laugh, don’t be afraid to mention how funny you think he or she is. And if all else fails, you can always dedicate a poem to your love interest, like Darius (Larenz Tate) did to Nina (Nia Long) after they first met in Love Jones.
3. Find a reason to make contact. Innocent, unnecessary touching is a guaranteed way to show interest! And an easy way to start is with a handshake. Not one with a power grip, but one that lingers and is accompanied with eye contact and a smile. Another way to “connect” is a subtle forearm grab upon excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or leaning in to talk in a loud room. In most cases this only works for women, but men can sometimes pull it off too. On Sex and the City, for example, Robert (Blair Underwood) went beyond the call of duty to make contact with Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) around minute 2:15 of this clip:
4. Names matter. Never underestimate the power of remembering and using someone’s name. And saying someone’s name suggests you’re interested in getting to know them better. Check out Whitley (Jasmine Guy) from A Different World—after making her presence known (tip #1!)—strategically slipping in the name of the guy she’s crushing on (min 1:34):
5. Be engaged! Be inquisitive! This is where my work as a journalist comes in handy;) You’ll never guess how many times I’ve been introduced to someone for the first time and learned something about them that our mutual friend knew nothing about. Listening, asking follow-up questions, and getting to those “I can’t believe I’m telling you this” moments will definitely leave a lasting impression.
And always: Be Yourself. When flirting, ultimately you should only say and do things that come naturally. Nothing is worse than looking like you’re trying too hard!
Have you used any of these tips while flirting? Tips of your own to share?
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Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Addicted to Love: An Interview with Helen Fisher
Social anthropologist Helen Fisher discusses evidence she has found that the powerful feelings associated with romantic love are chemical and come from the same part of your brain as addictions. [13 min 31 sec]
Originally published on October 5, 2009 on SexReally.com.
Everything I Need to Know About Sex I Learned From…TV?
Originally published on SexReally.com on August 20, 2009.
Cue the seductive look. Passionate kiss. Clothes ripped from bodies. Heavy breathing. Sheets pulled over heads. Cut to an attractive couple, lying side by side, cheeks flushed, faces matte, hair coiffed. Just like real life, right?
Not so much. In the magical world of television, however, this is the standard protocol for a love scene, employed in almost every adult-oriented drama, sitcom and comedy on air. A show with romantic character development would seem incomplete, or maybe even implausible, without sex scenes. In actuality, the most implausible thing on TV is often the sex itself. In a society that is so greatly influenced by the media, what if everything we knew about sex came from television?
In a world where sex in real life is the same as it appears on TV…
To begin, everyone is incredibly attractive. Not a single pound too heavy, perfectly groomed and manicured. Under-eye bags and blemishes don’t exist and no one seems even remotely fatigued from a long work week. Use the last drop of energy you have left at the end of the week to try and drag yourself to the gym? Not here! With your boundless energy and perfect figure, you might as well apply that same motivation to bagging the attractive co-worker who has been giving you coy looks all week long.
The moment you think about your crush, your phone instantly rings. Isn’t dating convenient in Televisionland? Not at all awkward, never a lull in the conversation or secret mutual knowledge that each person stalked the other’s Facebook page prior to the date. And since this is a date, it obviously ends with…
Sex. Because everyone has sex on the first date. Even though this could be the first time you’ve slept with this person, you seem to know each other perfectly. It’s almost - dare I say - scripted. There are no accidental head bumps or awkward moments of uncertainty about where one should place a limb. Your clothes are ripped off effortlessly - in Televisionland, it is impossible for one to attempt to pull a shirt over their head, only to have the shirt stuck around their neck as they yank at the material. No month-old bikini waxes, no embarrassing tattoos from youth, and certainly no granny panties.
Discussions about using protection? Not needed, telepathy apparently has that one covered. In the rare case that a condom is used, it is slipped on easily and never even slightly disrupts the passion. Foreplay doesn’t exist because it’s not needed either. There’s no desire to laugh when the friction of body parts make embarrassing noises, as friction does not exist in television world. Then again, none of the funny sounds (or lack thereof) of sex can be heard at all because you have an expertly chosen soundtrack to background the most amazing sex of you life. How do you know it’s amazing? Because both of you reach intense orgasms simultaneously within 15 seconds (as you do every time you have sex in Televisionland) and collapse next to each other.
No one needs to use the bathroom after sex and everything, including the sheets, is mess-free. The sheet is tucked neatly under the female’s toned arms and wrapped around the man’s sculpted waist (and yes, sex scenes on TV generally consist of one man and one woman). Neither of you even thinks about a shower because you’re still perfectly coiffed, made-up and sweat-free. As you fall asleep, you spoon affectionately - no one struggles with where to put their arms so as not to suffer pins and needles.
The glorious morning after. Don’t cringe - it’s fun here! You wake up fresh-faced and, more importantly, fresh-breathed, no matter what you did - or how much you drank - the night before. Depending on the time of your commercial break, you may or may not have morning sex, and then you find your clothes, folded and clean, never in a ball on the floor, and look your partner straight in the eye as you dress. Walk of shame? What’s that? There is nothing awkward about sex in Televisionland - it’s always exciting and always satisfying.
Don’t just take it from us - we enlisted the help of friends, family and strangers to identify other ridiculous portrayals of sex on television. Did we miss anything? Leave us a comment!
- A woman never takes her bra off for sex (yeah, what’s up with that??).
- The first time is always perfect, and special, especially when both partners are virgins.
- Within 30 seconds of finishing, both partners are raring to go again.
- Personal clean-up doesn’t exist: co-workers go right back to work after a sweaty workplace romp.
- Men never say no. And all women want them.
- If someone does buy condoms (rare), someone they’d rather not see (parent, ex, boss, etc.) is always at the store when they’re making the purchase.
- Men are always ready to go immediately. (Erectile dysfunction is only seen in commercials.)
- The only women who say no are abstinence nuns.
- No one has abortions. Or even talks about them.
- All women have huge boobs.
- No one has parents or family members to help them figure out relationships. And if they do, these relatives are either precocious children or middle-aged buffoons.
- No one gets the “Sunday Sads” after doing it on the first date.
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Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
