You can’t get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub: fact, or fiction?
In Review: “Birth Control Brigade”
A new game created by the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada (SOGC) in celebration of World Contraceptive Day was designed as “a way to reach the youth of Canada and teach them about their birth control options,” according to Dr. Edith Guilbert of SOGC. We’ve read some good things already, but what better (totally unscientific) way to get the real story on the game than to have a college student play it? So we asked our intern, Khalea, to play “Birth Control Brigade” and report back. This is what she had to say:
This isn’t your younger brother’s “Call of Duty.” Birth Control Brigade sends out the preventive troops in order to thwart an unexpected bundle of joy. Fun is definitely an objective, but there are helpful blurbs about the six contraceptive choices included in the game – you may not know them unless you’re currently taking Mrs. Hill’s 11th grade sex-ed class. Though we’re dealing with Canadian currency, defenses ring in from $15 to $35 each, prompting users to barricade on a budget. Birth Control Brigade shows that time is money, love does cost a thing, and knowledge is power.
A U.S. interpretation might be trickier, given that, for example, the IUD can range from $0 to $650 depending on insurance here, but there’s still plenty to learn about the different methods. And imagine a version in which the player has access to whichever method they want for free with their insurance. Now wouldn’t that be a game-changer?
Flickr Friday: Would you wear this stylish condom hat?
“Bangkok. August 2008. (Mannequins at the ‘Cabbages and Condoms’ Restaurant.)” image by Adaptorplug.
15 Warning Signs He Doesn’t Support Your Contraceptive Choices
Originally published on January 6, 2011, on SexReally.com.
Alice’s boyfriend really didn’t want to wear a condom. “You don’t know how good it feels without one,” he’d say—over and over—or “I can’t come with one,” recalls Alice, 23, of Seattle. “He’d been able to before, so I should have realized that was bullsh*t. But he’d slowly talked me into it.” When she finally let him go without, she says, “I was like, ‘Fine, if it makes you shut up about it, go ahead.’”
That was the day Alice conceived her son, now 4. But don’t call it an “unplanned pregnancy.” It wasn’t just that Alice’s boyfriend liked the feel of condomless sex. He wasn’t in denial about the consequences. Alice hadn’t planned the pregnancy, but her boyfriend had. Guys like him want to get girls pregnant. As Alice now knows: “He really wanted a son.”
As I noted in a previous article for The Nation, and as others have noted, stereotypes about women being the ones to “trick” their partner into pregnancy are extremely misleading and potentially destructive. Experts have put a name to the phenomenon of reproductive coercion, where it’s men who force women into sex without contraception. According to the Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF), one in five young women say they’ve experienced pregnancy coercion; one in seven say a guy has sabotaged her contraception. Though other abuse may not be occurring, it sure as heck might: women who have been abused by a boyfriend are five times as likely to be forced into not using a condom and eight times more likely to be pressured to get pregnant.
Guys like Alice’s boyfriend hide birth control pills or flush them down the toilet; they sweet-talk, threaten, even rape. Why? Not because they’re dreaming of booties, blankets, and Daddy-baby yoga. “It’s about one person controlling another,” says Leslie Walker, M.D., chief of adolescent medicine at Seattle Children’s Hospital. (Talk about control: experts say some men force their girlfriends to get pregnant—and to have abortions.) It’s the ultimate form of control: of your body itself and—if you have a baby, or get an STI, some of which cause infertility—of the rest of your life.
Reproductive coercion happens to teens and adults, rich, poor and average; any race or religion; women in long-term relationships, hookups, and in-between; women like Anya Alvarez, 21, who was having sex with a guy she’d just started seeing when she spotted her NuvaRing on her rug—which, needless to say, was not where she had put it. Yep: he’d yanked it out. “He said he’d done it to other women and they didn’t mind,” she says. Even in a new relationship, or something you wouldn’t call a relationship at all, you need to be careful.
Red flags
One clear warning sign: a partner who doesn’t support your using whatever contraception you want,” says FVPF senior policy director Rebecca Levenson. “Even if it’s subtle, like weird-supportive, it still gets him what he wants.”
- Does he refuse to wear a condom? “That’s near-universal with reproductive coercion, and can start on sexual-date-one,” says Heather Corinna, founder and director of Scarleteen and author of S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College.
- Does he equate birth control with cheating? As one woman (“Erika”) reported to the FVPF: “He said the pill made women want to have sex all the time, and that I’d cheat because I wouldn’t need to use a condom.”
- Do you go behind his back to get contraception? “Erika” snuck to a clinic for the pill. “For a year, I made sure he never saw them,” she says.
- Does he say things about hormonal birth control (Pills, implants, IUDs) like (MYTH ALERT!!!!), “Those make you gain weight, which you struggle with. I love you so much I wouldn’t want you to do that”?
- Does he threaten to hurt you if you use contraception—or consider abortion?
There’s also sweeter-sounding baby-making talk. “It can seem like he’s trying to express commitment or get serious,” says Corinna. “Only people who love you want to make babies with you, right? Wrong. Some people want to create a family for the best reasons. Others want to control you, make it harder for you to leave, or create new, smaller people to control. The folks with the good motives will not ever pressure or trick you.” Does he:
- Say things like “If you have a baby we’ll always be connected” or “If you really loved me you’d have my baby”?
- Refer to sperm as mini-hims? Alice: “My boyfriend would congratulate himself for sending in his buddies to get the job done.”
- Say someone who uses contraception doesn’t love their partner? Or contraception keeps people from being close?
- Talk about pregnancy or parenthood without including your needs or your body?
New guys may deploy all sorts of lines. Check your gut; don’t take a chance. If something sounds off to you—like “I had a vasectomy” or “I smoke pot so I’m infertile”—it probably is.
And some actions say it all:
- Do your pills keep disappearing?
- Does the condom keep “breaking”? The third time this happened to “Libby” in Illinois, her boyfriend admitted he’d removed it. After that, he began raping her without one.
- Have you caught him messing with your birth control or poking holes in condoms?
- Does he break his promise to “pull out”?
- Does he sneak off the condom (NuvaRing, etc.) during intercourse?
- Does he physically force you to have sex without protection?
What to do?
If even one of the above sounds familiar to you…one is too many. Steps to take to protect your health:
- If on date one refuses a condom—“ground zero for safer sex,” says Corinna—kick him out.
- If sex suddenly feels different, check the condom.
- Consider contraception you can hide, or that’s tough to sabotage, like Depo-Provera or IUD. (Note: This alone does not prevent STIs.)
- Get tested for STIs. Some are symptomless, but can do future damage.
- Talk to a healthcare provider. If it doesn’t make sense for you to leave the relationship now, you can at least try to prevent STIs or pregnancies.
- Imagine a healthy relationship. No pressure, no tricks; just love, support—and, if you’re ready, sex that feels right. “If a female patient whose partner refuses condoms says, ‘They don’t feel good for me, either,’ I say, ‘That’s because he’s not sharing a real, intimate relationship with you,” Dr. Walker explains. “It’s not about the condom.”
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Lynn Harris is an author, essayist, commentator, and award-winning journalist. Her most recent book is the satirical novel Death By Chick Lit, which New York Magazine called “brilliant.” She is also co-creator—with supergenius Chris Kalb—of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net, online headquarters of the only superhero who rescues men and women from romantic emergencies.
One More Thing to Do Before Moving In Together
Originally published on SexReally.com on November 9, 2010.
A CNN post by Wendy Atterberry of The Frisky about “Things to do before moving in together,” had some pretty solid advice for couples who are thinking about taking their relationship to the cohabiting (or, possibly, married) level. The list includes talking about money, meeting important people in your partner’s life, sharing experiences, and even deciding how you’d handle an unplanned pregnancy (in the #2 spot, no less!). I propose one, IMHO, very important addendum, though: if we’re talking about pregnancy in terms of unplanned, shouldn’t we talk about how we’re preventing unplanned pregnancy, too?
Don’t get me wrong—I think deciding how you would handle an unplanned pregnancy is absolutely necessary. If you’re living together, you’re probably having sex and no method of contraception is 100% effective (unless you’re planning on foregoing sex completely), so it’s good to have a back-up plan. I just want to add that it’s at least as important to have discussed how you, as a couple, are going to work together, tirelessly, every day (or get a long-acting method that does the heavy-lifting for you), to ensure you’re taking all necessary precautions to avoid having to employ the aforementioned back-up plan. While it’s true that no method of contraception is 100%, there are some pretty darn effective methods to choose from, nonetheless. Using one (or several) of these methods carefully and consistently can seriously reduce the likelihood that you’ll need to resort to plan #2.
If you’ll allow me to nerd out for just a moment, cohabiting couples are at particularly high risk for unplanned pregnancy. More than two-thirds of pregnancies to cohabiting women (69%) are unplanned according to The National Campaign’s DCR Report.And according to a 2009 Guttmacher policy review, “About 10% of women in their 20s are cohabiting, the largest proportion of any age-group. Cohabiting women use contraceptives at rates similar to those of married women, but, because cohabiting women typically have sex more often than married women, their rate of unintended pregnancy is more than twice that of married women or of unmarried women who are not cohabiting. It may also be that cohabiting women are not as motivated as other women to use contraceptives consistently over time, perhaps because they are more ambivalent about pregnancy.”
Indeed, The National Campaign’s Fog Zone report explored some of these themes and found that almost two-thirds (65%) of cohabiting respondents thought it likely that they would marry and have a baby with their current partner eventually. Research suggests that’s a lot less likely than they think—for example, The DCR Report shows that more than one-third (35%) of cohabiting women who had a child with their partner as a result of an unplanned pregnancy broke up with their partner by the baby’s second birthday.
If you want to see more about why even couples who are ready to live together should put some major effort into avoiding pregnancy till both partners are totally ready to be three instead of two, check out the sections of The DCR Report on mental health (Section I), relationship quality (Section H), and relationship stability (Section G). If you just want to take my word for it, please add “Talk about how to prevent unplanned pregnancy” to your checklist of things to do before moving in together, okay? Please? Even if you (or your girlfriend) use a long-acting, low-maintenance method, both partners should be knowledgeable and enthusiastic about prevention—science says that helps, too.
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Liz Sabatiuk is Social Media Manager for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. When she’s not blogging about birth control and relationships, she dances and teaches Argentine tango and spends a little too much time on Facebook.
Standing Up to Idiots: Responses and Reflections
Originally published on May 15, 2010 on SexReally.com.
Ever since I came out with my story about Mr. Idiot thinking he had the right to take off his condom and pull out my NuvaRing without consulting me, I have received numerous responses, all expressing varying degrees of disgust and disbelief that this kind of stuff does actually happen. The most interesting thing, however, is who I have been receiving responses from. A number of men have written me apologizing for their gender, asking me if I’m okay, and if there is anything they can do for me.
A few examples of responses I have gotten from men:
Good for you for writing about it and sharing it. A lot of women will learn something about those idiots out there and maybe find a way to protect themselves from it. Yes, I know the law doesn’t make this a crime, but in my mind you are right to see this as a form of assault. —John
OMFG! I cannot believe this happened to you (or to anybody)! As a male, this is embarrassing and disgusting. I know I can’t apologize for my gender and/or stop my fellow men from doing terrible things, but, wow. What an outrage. In my book, this is absolutely a form of rape. I’m so sorry this happened to you, Anya. I absolutely support you and commend you speaking out about it. —-Paul
Unacceptable behavior. In my mind, removing protection without consent is a horrible invasion of privacy, as bad as rape. There need to be laws to protect both men and women who are taken advantage of like this. — Drew
These impassioned responses from men lead me to believe that men can help make a change concerning this issue. If men continue to stand up against such repulsive behavior and vocalize their opinions on birth control sabotage, awareness of this issue will increase significantly. After all, this issue doesn’t just affect women, it affects men as well. Men need to hold themselves and other men accountable for their actions towards women. One of the best ways we can ensure a decrease in sexual assault is to make it known within male culture that a majority of men do not condone or accept it.
Of course men can also be victims of birth control sabotage. Women have been known to lie about birth control in order to get pregnant without their partner’s consent. And what about gay men whose partners slip off the condom, increasing the chances of passing a sexually transmitted infection (STI)?
But where do we go from here? What steps do we take to ensure that we’re all protected from Idiots such as this one?
First, we need to understand and truly believe that birth control sabotage is a form of assault.
Second, in order for change to happen, there needs to be a united front. While the response from women to my facebook post has been minimal, I truly believe that women would support a law that would protect them from this sort of abuse if given the choice. I also believe women would not be afraid to vocalize their opinions if they knew a majority of men do not condone this type of repulsive behavior.
I had someone write to me and ask why it is that strong, independent women allow men to continuously abuse them. He was referring to a friend of his whose ex-boyfriend always slipped off his condom during sex without asking. She, a local community leader, a business owner, and an educated woman, never said anything to get him to stop. I believe that while women are strong and independent in many ways, we are still taught to be feeble and are often reminded to act “like a lady.” The message constantly espoused is for women to keep silent and women are shamed into believing that the reason why they are getting abused is because they made bad choices and didn’t have more discernment when it came to men. They shouldn’t have slept with that guy or they should have seen the signs. But how often do we find that people are not what they seemed after we get to know them? Isn’t it a bit ridiculous to assume that a woman will know immediately if a guy is a jerk?
On a related note, I also believe many women don’t have high enough standards for themselves. We’ve made behavior acceptable in our minds because we are afraid to expect something more from someone, afraid to ask too much. So we keep finding ourselves in abusive relationships.
I encourage women (and men) who have similar occurrences—whether it was a hole poked in the condom or removed without you knowing, or sabotage of another birth control method—to speak up and tell your story. You have a right to your body and when someone takes it in their own hands to endanger your sexual health, you have the right to be protected by law. The more we make it known that we expect to have complete control over our sexual health, the less likely it is that others will try to tamper with it.
If we decide to become sexually active we must clearly communicate our needs when it comes to contraception use, what we expect from our partners, and how we want to be treated in any type of sexual relationship. It’s our responsibility to take a proactive role in our own well-being.
To personalize this story more and to help you understand why I feel so strongly about this issue, when I was 16 I was raped. I never pressed charges because I was afraid of what my rapist might do to my family and to me. To this day I regret not taking action and wonder whether he has done this to other women or if he will. I made a promise to myself never again to sit back and allow someone to get away with putting my sexual health in danger. That is why I feel passionately about this and I hope people will support me and other women and men who have experienced birth control sabotage.
Spread the word. Ask your friends to join the facebook group “Standing Up to Idiots” or on Twitter, @AgainstIdiots. And please check out Know More, Say More to learn more about this issue.
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Anya Alvarez, from Gallup, NM, is studying political science and history at the University of Washington. She plays on the university’s golf team and hopes to one day (soon!) combine her interests in public policy and writing.
No Pain, No Gain: The IUD Insertion Process
Originally published on November 11, 2009 on SexReally.com.
I wish I could say that getting the IUD was easy once I made my decision that the love affair with the Pill was over. In reality, it took me three visits (one of which was an appalling comedy of errors) before I finally baby-proofed my uterus. First, I had to get a pap smear, since STIs in IUD users can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disorder and in rare cases, infertility. (For that same reason, doctors typically recommend that you only get the IUD if you’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship.) An abnormal pap result delayed my efforts further. After a lab test determined that some cervical lesions were low-grade and no cause for alarm, I finally found myself face-to-face with a foot-long box containing my IUD. Thankfully, the size was misleading.
The IUD is actually just 1.5 inches long. Still, that little device was responsible for the most painful experience of my life and I say this as someone who’s gotten five piercings and a tattoo. Forgoing anesthesia and prescription painkillers, I whimpered with my boyfriend by my side as the doctor fit the IUD into place. I felt intense cramps (similar to contractions, I imagine) the second it entered my body. Utterly shaken by the invasion of this foreign object, my legs trembled and my teeth chattered uncontrollably. I gripped my boyfriend’s hand and whispered, “Remind me to get a C-section if I ever decide to have kids.”
That’s probably as close an approximation of childbirth as I’ve ever experienced, but I don’t have any complaints about the IUD now that the initial ordeal is over. Despite a crampy first week and spotting (which can last for several weeks), I’ve been pretty pleased with the IUD, which has rendered the pesky birth control pill unnecessary. Total cost for five years of a worry-free womb? $0. My insurance policy — and many others — covers the device and the insertion procedure entirely. Compare that to $480 for five years of my generic pill.
Unlike me, you should take some advance measures to prepare yourself for the insertion. Becoming pregnant, even if you don’t carry the pregnancy to term, makes it easier to insert the IUD in your cervix, which is why some doctors won’t do insertions for never-before-pregnant women. One of my friends, who got the IUD a month after she gave birth to her first child, claimed that it even hurt more than labor. Conversely, I heard from many other women that insertion was no more uncomfortable than a pap smear. In my opinion, better safe than sorry either way. Unless you’re certain you can withstand a lot of pain, going the all-natural route might lead to a rude cervical awakening. Here are a few things that you can do to avoid my experience:
- Say yes to drugs. Getting a prescription for something that dilates your cervix will do wonders to minimize pain and make insertion easier. My friend, who I accompanied to an IUD appointment a week after my own, only needed 30 relatively-bearable seconds for the procedure, which lasted four excruciating minutes for me.
- Welcome Aunt Flo. Schedule your appointment to coincide with your menstrual cycle since your cervix will already be slightly dilated then. Don’t worry about what your gynecologist will think about the mess. They’re used to it and many will probably recommend waiting until your period anyway.
- Midol will be your best friend. I’m so wary of over-the-counter medication abuse that I don’t even take ibuprofen for headaches, but in the days following my IUD, painkillers were the only effective weapon against severe cramping that would have otherwise left me incapacitated. After your appointment, keep handy Midol and any painkillers that target lower abdominal pain and menstrual symptoms.
- Rough sex is out of the question. (At least for the first week.) Your cervix won’t appreciate head-on collisions for a while. Though I only needed a couple weeks to recover, one of my friends said penetrative intercourse was uncomfortable for the first month. If you can’t wait, either try to take it easy or be prepared to feel crampy in the afterglow.
- Heat up. Self-heating stick-on pads (the kind you can get at drugstores for sports injuries or menstrual pain) help alleviate discomfort throughout the day. At home, a hot water bottle or an electric blanket will also do the trick.
There are other birth control methods, many of which don’t require an uncomfortable insertion process, but for many women the IUD causes relatively few side effects compared to options like the Patch. Even the Mirena, which releases progesterone, is relatively low-hormone compared to other forms of hormonal contraception. If you think you can brave the gynecologist’s table, look into the IUD. It’s affordable, widely available, and foolproof.
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Lena Chen is a blogger, writer and speaker on sex, gender and feminism. As a Harvard undergrad, she authored the blog Sex and the Ivy and her writing has been featured in The New York Times and Newsweek. She currently blogs at The Chicktionary.
