What Do Michael Jackson, Safe Sex, and Fairies Have in Common?
Did you know condoms prevent pregnancy, protect you from STIs, and make awesome clothes? Wait, what? You didn’t see that one coming did you?
Last week I was lucky enough to attend University of South Carolina’s Project Condom Season 5. Project Condom inspires students to make clothes out of condoms to raise awareness about pregnancy prevention, getting tested, and generally being awesome. Each designer shows off their creation in a full-on fashion show. This year’s event even had a celebrity judge, Mondo Guerra from Project Runway. You see what they did there?
Alpha Phi Omega’s Michael Jackson tribute to raise awareness about HIV/AIDS prevention took home first place.
But my personal favorite was Love Story’s condom fairy. I mean, it was a fairy costume made of condoms. It’s like a dream come true.
Check out The Daily Gamecock for more pictures and maybe some less biased coverage of the event.
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Stefanie is the Manager of Youth Initiatives at The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. When she is not on college campuses talking about birth control and Bedsider, she is hanging out with some pretty awesome teens. She is from the great state of California and is a little awkward, both of which she will tell you in the first 30 seconds of a conversation. You can also follow her shenanigans on her personal tumblr, Nutz and Boltz.
The holiday season may be over, but that doesn’t mean the good times have to end with it. Here’s wishing you a cozy, sexy January! (With or without neon supermodel street art.)
Image by caccamo.
LOVE this! (Great, styley reminder that there are sexy options for those allergic to latex to stay safe, too;)
LifeStyles Condom-Inspired Bags Look Classier Than They Sound - The Frisky
WANT
Why Save Sexy for Halloween?
Originally published on SexReally.com on October 28, 2010.
So, this Halloween are you wearing your naughty nurse costume or are you going out as a slutty schoolgirl?
A quick Google search of women’s Halloween costumes reveals something that surely you already know — on Halloween, women (and girls) are encouraged to be sexy. Even the marketing language is provocative:
Women’s Halloween 2010. Hotter and sexier than ever! Hey foxy lady! Strut your stuff this Halloween in a sexy costume…find the hottest Playboy costumes…the sauciest pirate costumes, and some very wicked witch costumes…just a few of the fantasies you can explore this Halloween!
Sexy Halloween Costumes by closetcaucus on Polyvore.com
A post on SexReally last Halloween asked some interesting questions, including whether the sexy costume craze indicates that women feel societal pressure to repress their sexuality in everyday life. As I continue to think about my own Halloween experiences and observe this year’s costume options, I’m particularly compelled by that concept — why do so many women take part in dressing provocatively this one time of the year? Seriously, when was the last time you went to a Halloween event with a significant number of women covered up by convincing ghost, ghoul, or zombie costumes? Women are selecting skimpy costumes for a reason.
I was invited to a Halloween party in college and purchased a gorgeous pair of fairy wings for the occasion. They were almost the length of my body and were a soft pink color with lots of glitter. On the night of the party I had my costume ready to go — a short black skirt, a black tank top, those fabulous wings, pink hair, and lots of shimmery makeup. Except that night was freezing. I stepped outside and hit the 40-degree cold air and instantly turned around. I went back inside and traded my black tank top for a sweater and put on a pair of dark pantyhose just so I could have something on my legs.
Once I got to the party I was lost in a sea of sexy cops, sassy cheerleaders, and slutty Disney characters. I was wearing far too many clothes and felt out of place. It’s not that I felt peer pressure in that moment to dress sexy. Instead, I felt like I was missing out on something. It was my one chance during the year to wear something super-skimpy and have it be socially acceptable. And what did I do? I wore a sweater.
The roots of the far-too-sexy Halloween dilemma are deep. It is really about language and sexual assumptions based on clothing. If you’re female and are in or survived high school, you know what I’m talking about. The girl who wears too-short skirts or cleavage-revealing tops instantly gets categorized by peers. And once the words “slut” or “whore” are thrown out it’s really hard to shake off that label.
I experienced a slice of that my senior year of high school, including one harsh name-calling encounter with a teacher. I attended a school play and during intermission one of my drama teachers walked up and told me that my clothing choice was completely inappropriate and that I looked like a slut. I had no idea what she was talking about — until I looked down and saw that a sliver of my stomach was showing. I sincerely had no idea that when I got dressed that evening in jeans and a t-shirt that I was showing any skin other than my arms. As it turns out I had either outgrown the shirt or it shrunk and I hadn’t noticed.
My teacher’s comments were like a slap across the face. Her use of the word “slut” was so cavalier, and my sexual experience was so minimal, that I instinctively knew that she was wrong in her assessment. But, oh no! I could be perceived as loose just by showing a quarter of an inch of belly. I look back on that situation and wish I would’ve had the wherewithal to tell that teacher to go fuck herself. But, that word “slut” is so vicious and sticky that I reacted instantly. I went to my car (where by chance I had an extra shirt) and changed clothes between acts.
Steering clear of that “slut” label might be part of the answer as to why women go for sexy costumes. Maybe, as Lindsay Lohan’s character points out in Mean Girls, Halloween is a free pass. It is a way for women to explore something, to try on a disguise and explore a fantasy without being subject to harsh criticism. Because, when it comes down to it, on November 1st most of us have to go back to wearing more modest clothing.
It’s no wonder that there are so many sexy costumes available. It’s like all that sexy energy and experimentation gets pent up for a whole year and then explodes one night in the form of kitten tails, bustiers, and fishnet tights. Not that it is right. But, hell, there is so much pressure to keep it together, to keep your inner freak under wraps, maybe it’s inevitable that it’s going to burst out one way or another.
Let me make this clear: I’m not advocating you wear as little as possible for Halloween. Nor that you buy into an entire industry that is attempting to sell teeny-tiny costumes. I just think there is something going on with the control of female sexuality on a larger scale that we should question. Halloween reveals a symptom, not the disease. It is an illusion to think that we have the freedom to wear whatever we want. Because there are always those harsh words — slut, whore, skank — that are the consequences of experimenting with clothing. We are told to vamp it up, to be beautiful, to be sexy — but, oh! Not too much!
Halloween is the one day of the year when a girl can wear lingerie and eat gobs of chocolate in public. (Is it a coincidence that two of the most hot-button issues of being a modern woman — how we look and what we eat — are allowed to come out and play on the same evening?) Maybe if some of those instincts were practiced in smaller and safer quantities throughout the year, we wouldn’t feel the compulsion to go overboard on Halloween night.
*****
Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).
Why Cosmo Magazine Makes Me Want to Blow My Brains Out
Originally published on SexReally.com on September 27, 2010.
“Guy Sex Confessions, Untamed Va-jay-jays, Seduce Him!, The Touch that Calms Him During a Fight!” are all headlines on the front cover of the September issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine. I picked up a copy at a local bookstore and proceeded to bang my head against a table while flipping through the pages.
I tried explaining to friends why the magazine threatened to push me over the edge and had trouble verbalizing it. I’ve been pondering it for the past month, reading and rereading it, trying to get down to the nitty gritty of why it rubs me the wrong way. It came down to four fundamental messages:
1. Partnership is everything.
Whether you are single or in the middle of a relationship, the idea that is continually pushed forward is who we are in love is the most important thing in life. It’s about landing that guy. Or keeping that guy. Which in my view makes the whole magazine not about being a fun, fearless female, but rather about men and how we relate to them. Which isn’t a bad thing in itself. However, the undertones of sexual liberation and feminism ring false when a majority of the articles are about how to beguile the opposite sex. Or how to please your partner.
For example, the article that screams “Untamed Va-jay-jays” in 1-inch type on the front cover is about dressing up our nether-regions. It lists the newest trends in vagina embellishments including V-Bling, Accessories, and Fitness. The one that got me was V-Makeup. Apparently there is a new product called My New Pink Button that promises to temporarily dye the labia. So, do you think that women are doing this type of accessorizing for themselves? Of course not. It’s about making a part of ourselves different, younger, or more beautiful for a partner.
“The Walk that Drives Men Wild,” takes one page to describe the most sexually appealing way to change our natural walk. In a potentially great piece about feeling a greater level of happiness each day, nearly half of the tips given involve a guy. We are instructed to, “Turn off the phone during date night…Make eye contact with a hot guy…Switch positions during sex…Daydream about getting it on with your guy while waiting in line….Kiss your guy for 20 seconds every day….” Well, what about the single girls? Or those ladies who want to increase joy in a way that isn’t connected to a partner?
2. It treats men as the “other.”
One of my biggest gripes about the magazine has to do with how it treats men as a homogenized group that needs to be manipulated in order to catalyze action.
We are able to learn tricks on how to get him to apologize. How to get him to stop text messaging one-word answers. In a piece entitled, “8 Touches that Tell Him Everything,” we are taught ways to physically handle men in order to get what we want.
I handed the “8 Touches” article over to a guy friend to get a second opinion. After reading it, he said something quite profound:
“This article views relationships as a back and forth manipulation. It reflects lack of honesty and a baseline gamesmanship in relationships.”
Wow. Quite the insight. My friend went on to say, “These things [touching] are honest when they aren’t being thought about. When they are being thought about, it is training.”
There is truth in the idea that men and women communicate differently. The question is do we want honest relationships, or do we want to train men to give us the responses we want?
3. Even the fashion is about relationships.
Cosmo does include sections about fashion, including great info on what is hot each season. In the spread, “Most Likely to Seduce,” we are shown clothes that, “…put the naughty in naughty schoolgirl every time.”
The argument can easily be made that all fashion is about attraction and sex. This idea has always struck me as a bit odd, personally. The reason I became a fashion consultant is centered on identity – how people express who they are on the inside by what they wear on the outside. It doesn’t have to do with a reflection of a man’s perception. Clothes are, ultimately, a means of engaging with life. It comes down to the question, “for whom are you dressing?” If the answer is for the opposite sex, I think it shortchanges us on a deeper level of enjoyment. We should dress for ourselves – to put on things that make us feel vibrant, to dress for pleasure, to have clothes that give us joy.
4. It pits women against each other.
As I was conducting my unscientific survey, I was surprised how the magazine called out different women on their appearance or reputation. The magazine asked 100 guys on the street, “How do you feel about cosmetic surgery” and 53% stated, “It’s okay, but natural is better.” It then showed a picture of Ashlee Simpson-Wentz with the statement, “If it makes you look and feel hotter, go for it,” versus a picture of Heidi Montag stating, “Knives, stitches, swelling…huge turn-off!” Meow! I’m not the biggest Montag fan, but nor do I see the need to slam her in a national magazine.
It doesn’t stop there. In the article,” You Just Broke Up – Now What?” one of the Your Got-Dumped Funk is Beyond Pathetic If… statements was, “You feel that given the chance, you and Jen Aniston could become BFF’s.” Ouch. Huge burn on Aniston.
The “Beauty Showdown,” gives us beauty tips and celebrity examples of who has done it correctly and who has messed up. Apparently Megan Fox knows how to wear plum colored lipstick, but Asley Olsen has “shriveled-raisin lips.”
So, the lesson is….being a Cosmo girl means talking smack about other women?
Here’s the thing – reading a fun magazine is not bad or wrong. But, I think we need to be careful about the messages that we are ingesting and do a bit of critical thinking. Cosmo is the number one selling women’s magazine in the world, so obviously it has our attention and people are listening. But is it just reinforcing its readers’ insecurities? Is it catering to that part of us that whispers, “You aren’t enough”?
Here is what I decided to do. I rewrote the definition of the Cosmo Girl.
Cosmo Girl (noun) – A woman who is bold, who lives her truth, who works her ass off, and who stands up for what is right. A woman who takes responsibility for all areas of her life, including her sex life. A woman who tries her best to be honest and compassionate. And who sure as hell dresses for herself.
Notice the definition didn’t have one mention of rhinestoning your vagina.
*****
Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).
Public Parting: How Social Media has Changed Breakups
Originally published on June 22, 2010 on SexReally.com.
Once upon a time…say, in the late 90’s…one of the biggest post-breakup fears was running into your ex in person. If everything went according to plan, you could strategize the perfect “oh this old thing?” outfit that made him drool and suffer. The “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” episode of Sex and the City, which first aired in 1999, had Carrie thinking about her run-in clothing and her perfect post-breakup accessory—a New York Yankee.
My, how times have changed. Not only are people thinking about what to wear when they see their ex, they are rethinking their entire online persona. The advent of social media—and, by extension, the public outing of private information—has made the navigation of breakups more complex.
For example, you just broke up with your significant other. Do you:
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a) Immediately change your Facebook profile picture to one of you looking saucy.
b) Break into your ex’s Twitter page (because you have the password) and announce his deviant behavior to the whole world.
c) Start to obsessively track where he is on Foursquare. That way you can “accidentally” run into him when you’re out with your girlfriends, looking fabulous.
d) All of the above.
Of course these options don’t represent the entire spectrum of how to respond after a breakup. They are examples of new options that can significantly affect what happens after a relationship falls apart. Regardless of how things go down, you (or your ex) can put a spin on what happened and tell hundreds of friends the entire scenario with the simple click of a button. Revenge, it seems, is a dish best served online.
And sometimes it is freakin’ hilarious. Consider what I read on Twitter this past week (names withheld to protect the innocent. Or guilty, depending on what happened):
“I’m officially the world’s biggest asshole.”
“Yeah, shit went down. I lied to her continuously, ignored her all the time, treated her like shit….what can I say?”
“Perhaps going out drinking and getting toked every night of the week was a bad idea.”
The thing that makes it hilarious is that the situation is completely transparent. It takes all of 10 seconds to understand the backstory—someone else wrote the tweets and they were ticked. And that someone was an ex.
In a matter of minutes the tweets were deleted and one of the accounts had posted this:
“Just got hacked by the ex on here. Wonderful. For those of you that saw, I’m sorry.”
Even if you aren’t a person who has 50,000 followers on Twitter, chances are you are connected in a public way to your immediate social circle. You don’t have to be a Britney, Miley, or Rihanna to know what it feels like to have your private life exposed. Social media has leveled the playing field and forced us into doing our own PR damage control.
My friend Carolyn experienced a taste of this when she broke up with her boyfriend of six years. It was a reasonably amicable separation—they didn’t leave on bad terms or fight it out until the bloody end. They just had an adult conversation and decided to go their separate ways. Their conversation ended at 11:30pm and by the time she woke up the next morning he had already changed his relationship status on Facebook.
“I thought it was a bit callous to tell the world online before I’d had a chance to tell my friends,” Carolyn said.
She also admitted that she went on to his Facebook page (since she had the password) and made the relationship status private so a “…big broken heart wouldn’t be in everyone’s newsfeed.” It’s also important to note that’s all she did. Once the relationship status was changed she left his Facebook page alone.
I talked to another woman, Annie, who told me how she changed her profile pictures once her boyfriend of two years dumped her.
“Put simply…it’s a way of putting on a brave face and showing how little you care. Even if in person you want to dissolve into tears every time you see him, your profile picture is still smiling away,” Annie said.
While there’s no doubt that social media is changing the way we deal with breakups, how those changes play out can vary greatly from person to person. There is a huge difference between taking back your power and getting dreadfully close to becoming the mayor of Crazyville. Putting up a new profile picture is a simple way of taking control of post-breakup identity. Spewing facts of how he cheated to everyone on Twitter is something else entirely.
However you deal with a broken heart, remember that what you put online can never be taken back. You might rightfully reveal that he is a complete scumbag, but you can cross the line to coming off as desperate and manipulative. Which is never a great way to portray yourself, even if you are temporarily feeling that way after a separation.
So take a deep breath. Talk to people who love you and can empathize with how you are feeling. Take yourself out for a pedicure, join a new club, finally start painting again, and reconnect with good friends from your past. But think twice about going public with your heartache. And, for goodness sake, change your passwords.
*****
Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).
A Page from the Male Dating Playbook: The Napkin Metaphor
Originally published on SexReally.com on April 21, 2010.
Originally, I was writing an article about what men wear on first dates. The plan was to interview a bunch of guys to see if they purchased new clothes prior to a night out on the town. But I ended up getting much more information than I bargained for. I hit gold, my friends. What follows is a glimpse into the male mind when it comes to relationships. In fact, I would go as far as to say I got a sneak peek into the Male Dating Playbook. It started, like most good stories, with a guy and a girl at a bar, talking about sex.
The Napkin Metaphor
I met my new guy friend, Brian, out for a couple of beers to talk about sex, fashion, and dating. My big break into the Male Dating Playbook began with this question: “Do you know at the time you ask a girl out if it is someone you just want to sleep with or if it is someone you want to pursue a relationship with?”
Brian grabbed a paper napkin from the bar and unfolded it.
“Let’s say this unfolded napkin is everybody I would sleep with – if they wanted to sleep with me, of course,” he said.
“Okay,” I replied.
He folded the napkin in half. “Now, out of that group of women, this is the number that I would actually really consider dating.”
“Okay,” I replied again.
He folded the napkin in half once more. “Now here is the number of women who I would actually consider getting in a serious relationship with.”
Uhmmm…what? Before I get into it, let me clarify something: Brian is not a douche. He is actually someone that is highly datable – smart, funny, intelligent, cute. Your all-around normal, great guy. What makes him different, it would seem, is his complete candor when it comes to the male approach to relationships and dating. So, when he broke down the napkin idea, I simultaneously had the reaction of a) complete exasperation and b) knowledge that what he said rang true when it came to my own, and my girlfriends’, personal experiences.
If you didn’t quite catch what Brian said, let me break it down for you: According to him, when a woman goes out on a date with a guy, she has a 1 in 4 chance that he would consider a meaningful relationship with her.
Furthermore, when I asked Brian if he knew which category a girl was in prior to the date the answer was, “of course.” He went on to say that there are “borderline” cases – girls who teeter on one side of the napkin but might get placed within another section. However, those cases tend to be the exception instead of the rule.
What makes the last group of girls, that small section of the napkin, different from the rest? And how are we supposed to make sure, if we’re interested in the guy we’re dating, that we make it to that last quarter of the napkin? According to Brian, the women in that quarter are the ones that he would wait for. “When it’s someone who I want to pursue a relationship with I will wait if she isn’t ready to have sex. I will make an effort when it comes to dating.”
Blowing. My. Mind. Okay – let’s get this straight – this whole napkin thing isn’t to say that women are powerless when it comes to dating. Or to say that women shouldn’t purely pursue sex if that is what they desire. Or to say that all women want to have a serious relationship with every guy they go out with. It is more about the differences between men and women when it comes to dating – how women might see dating as a platform for possibility, while men know their intentions even before the girl answers the door on date night.
Of course all of this is generalization – not all men think this way about dating. But, the napkin metaphor sure as hell answers some questions. Namely, those that have arisen in conversations I’ve had with girlfriends over the years, such as, “Why didn’t he call? Where did he go? I thought our first date went well – why didn’t he want a second?”
The answer: You thought you were on one part of the napkin. He thought you were on another section of it entirely.
And, my lovely girlfriends, you deserve to be within that last segment of the napkin. You deserve to be wooed. To be fought for. To feel comfortable waiting to have sex until you are ready. You always have the power of choice. And if the guy you are on a date with isn’t showing you the respect that you deserve, know this secret from my playbook: the love that you are seeking is already within you. You just have to own it.
*****
Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).
Why Victoria’s Secret Should Be Your Secret Too
Originally published on SexReally.com on December 4, 2009.
“I’m kinda in between boyfriends right now, so I don’t need anything sexy.” – Pam Beesly, while visiting Victoria’s Secret
Victoria’s Secret was prominently featured in a Season 3 episode of The Office entitled “Women’s Appreciation.” Fans of the show may remember Michael Scott’s misguided attempt to show his appreciation for his female employees when he took them to a Victoria’s Secret store and allowed each person to pick out one item as a present. Pam Beesly’s character, played by the lovely Jenna Fisher, chose a robe because, being single, she saw no need to purchase a pair of lacey panties or a push-up bra.
Pam’s quote continually ran through my head while viewing this season’s Victoria’s Secret Holiday Fashion Show. The event has become a staple of the holiday season, signaling the start of gift-giving and fulfilling men’s and women’s fantasies of tiny undergarments wrapped in pink paper under the Christmas tree. Let’s face it: the fantasy is hot. The products are hot. So why have they been relegated to the back of closets, only to be broken out when there is an audience present?
As a wardrobe consultant and stylist I see a practical disconnect between the sex that is on the runway and what is found in the depths of women’s boudoirs. Many people do own variations of the boustiers, slips, sheer nighties, and g-strings that are featured in glossy catalogues. The catch? These items are always, ALWAYS stuck in the furthest corners of the closet or underwear drawer.
Viewing this same situation time and time again has led me to conclude that women need to break those suckers out and make the fancy stuff a part of their everyday wardrobe. Our sexuality shouldn’t be turned on and off, or stuffed to the back of the drawer. Who we are sexually is part of who we are as people and we should acknowledge it regardless of our relationship status.
On a very practical note, the pretty underwear isn’t always comfortable. However, there are more options than ever on the market regarding style, shape, and material. Here are some realistic steps you can take to make sure your booty is both comfy and stylish during the day:
- Can’t think of wearing thongs? Clients routinely pick the wrong size. Go a size up or down for the correct fit. If you’re entirely convinced a thong isn’t for you, boy shorts can be a comfy and cute alternative…or if you’re feeling daring, you can always eliminate panty lines by going without!
- When is the last time you had your bra size measured? Statistics report that up to 80% are currently wearing the wrong size. Weight gain, weight loss, and hormone fluctuation can alter your size. Getting measured takes all of 5 minutes and can provide a world of comfort to women who feel as though they are being pinched, pushed, and otherwise fighting with their bra all day.
- Take your pretty undergarments out of their drawers and hang them up in your closet. The saying “out of sight, out of mind” even applies to underwear; if you see them on a regular basis you are more likely to wear them and incorporate them into your life.
The notion of having “good undies” used for “fancy occasions” is about as useful and fun as only using your favorite dishes when guests come to visit. Sure, people will be thrilled by the presentation, but don’t you want to delight yourself as well? Isn’t your life occasion enough to celebrate?
You deserve these small pleasures – with or without a partner. This isn’t about spending loads of money or buying into society’s ideal of what is sexy. Rather, it is about conscious decision-making regarding your style and your sexuality. The choice to pick up black lace verses Granny Panties isn’t going to change the world. But, it may change the framework of your day. It is a small choice that can be for you and you alone.
If I were to rewrite Pam’s quote it would go something like this: “I’m kinda in between boyfriends right now, but I have this nightie in 4 different colors and wear them all the time. I want another one, but this time in satin.”
*****
Kaarin Moore is the owner of Closet Caucus, a fashion consulting company located in Washington, DC. Her goal is to help clients express who they are through the medium of clothing. You can reach her at www.closetcaucus.com or on twitter (@closetcaucus).
