Having that social construct thrown out like it’s fact that women naturally want less sex just makes me want to scream. There’s so much variance among both sexes…It’s so individual. You can’t say men have a higher drive, or women do. All we can say is this: Some people want more sex than other people. It varies widely from person to person regardless of sex.
If you’re a woman with a stronger sex drive than your male partner, this Huffington Post article has an important message for you: you are not alone.
Whether or not you can directly relate, the stories are definitely worth a read. And if the subject hits home for you, check out our Frisky Friday on tips for dealing with mismatched libidos.
Sex on TV: The In-Depth Analysis of TLC Gypsy Programming You’ve Always Wanted
Some particularly flamboyant bridesmaid dresses.
So I fully admit that I watch (and love) TLC’s Gypsy Sisters. And not in the “Oh—if it’s on, I’ve watched it” way. No. I actively seek it out. And then I go on the internet to find out more. It’s tragic that the short first season is already over, but in the meantime I have season two of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding to look forward to. Yes, it’s a thing.
These gypsies rock a wardrobe I could only dream of pulling off—tube tops, hot pants, sky-high heels and bedazzles for everyone. Despite this sexy look, gypsies say these hot outfits mask some strict conservative morals. For instance, gypsy girls are taught to stay away from boys and remain virgins until marriage.
A sample gem of a quote from the show.
Maybe that’s why they get married SO YOUNG. Like 15 and 16 years old. It’s a norm in their community, but even many gypsy parents say that they wish their daughters would wait until 17 or 18. Unfortunately, it looks like a lot of girls fall in “love” by 15 and threaten to run away with their man unless their parents allow them to marry. (Side note: the guys are always a few years older.)
In Gypsy Sisters, these strict rules for women don’t always work out. At least two of the girls on the show are divorced before age 20 to escape abusive husbands. Family Matriarch Nettie has 9 children, and her teen daughter Dallas has two of her own with an ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. Twenty-three-year-old black sheep Mellie is also divorced and was working as a stripper when she recently found out that she was pregnant. Although she married the father, the show made it look like the marriage lasted barely a week.
These stories demonstrate that restricting girls for the sake of innocence can sometimes have the opposite effect. These gypsy girls are so eager for freedom that they run off with the first boy they find, often experiencing the negative consequences we’ve seen on Gypsy Sisters.
If these shows are any indication, domestic violence is a big issue in the gypsy community. Gypsy girls are taught from a young age to be obedient housewives—that cooking, cleaning, looking good for their husbands, and having babies is their only worth. And since gypsy girls can’t date, they don’t get a chance to learn about healthy relationships or even try spending time with more than one man. In fact, as soon as a gypsy girl starts getting attention from a man, that is almost a guarantee marriage will follow.
In another vein, not ONCE on this show have I ever heard anyone mention birth control or condoms. Instead, when girls find someone they want to have sex with, they marry quickly so they can get down to the deed, and no one talks about the difference between love and lust.
I hope that some of the Gypsy Sisters talk to their daughters behind the scenes about birth control and healthy relationships. I haven’t seen this happen on the show yet, but a lot of these girls could use a dose of reality before diving into marriage and children of their own.
To hear another angle, I suggest checking out this article by real-life American Gypsy Oksana Marafioti on what she thinks about shows like My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.
And tell me what you think in the comments!
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Kate Meroski is an administrative assistant at The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. She enjoys puppies, French fries, and the seal exhibit at the National Zoo.
Sex and Song: Prince, “Strange Relationship”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
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TRIGGER WARNING: This piece discusses abuse within the context of partner violence.
Prince tends to threaten lawsuits on anybody who posts his original music, so Andy decided to record her own version of “Strange Relationship.”
Prince has made a lot of different types of love songs through the years. Two were based on driving-as-sex metaphors (“Dirty Mind” and “Little Red Corvette”), one (“Darling Nikki”) outraged Tipper Gore and led to the advent of Parental Advisory labels, and one explored the possibilities of sexiness while keeping one’s pants on (“The Ballad of Dorothy Parker”). Then there are the love songs that Prince sang as a woman named Camille.
My Minnesotan queer friends tell me Prince is something of a gay-hater these days, but he can’t take back the queerness of those days in ‘86 and ‘87 when he sped up his vocals, took on the persona of Camille, and sang a handful of smart, gender-bending songs. Singing as Camille, Prince arguably wrote the most prescient, subtle love songs of his career. As if to balance out all of the reckless, fun sex jams of his wonder years, “Strange Relationship” is a downer, taking on the decidedly un-sexy but super-important subject of emotional abuse.
“I know you know me well, I don’t like winter,” Camille begins, “but I seem to get a kick out of doin’ ya cold.” Let’s parse what’s going on here: Camille says that she is the abuser; she’s intentional about it. She could stop it. And she continues: “Oh what the hell, you always surrender.” And in one verse, Camille has unfolded two key, interlocking elements of abuse: that it’s the abuser’s fault, and still the abuser will blame the surviving partner.
The chorus takes us through the whole cycle, from the obvious abuse—“Baby, I just can’t stand to see you happy”—to pleading and maybe reconciliation—“more than that, I hate to see you sad”—to more victim blaming: “Baby, if you let me I just might do something rash.” Terrifying. Stark. Vital. “Strange Relationship” teaches the listener about the psychology of a victimizer in three minutes.
Earlier recordings of this song feature Prince—the non-Camille version—singing the song (prominently, with a sitar and slightly different lyrics; I used these earlier lyrics in my cover version posted above). That Prince made “Strange Relationship” into a Camille song is also notable and thought-provoking: the Camille vocal drives home the point that abusive behavior can come from people of multiple genders.
Prince has touched on many aspects of love throughout his career, but his true measure as an artist is that he has written about the joy and the pain with equal amounts of intelligence, efficiency, and attention to detail. Romance can yield both wonder and evil, and there’s justice—especially in our era of short attention spans—that someone spent time making that point into something radio-friendly.
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Andy Bowen is an organizer and artist. She plays bass for the DC punk band Southern Problems; is Social Policy Organizer for DC Trans Coalition, a transgender activist organization; and is releasing her first solo album, the 26th Anniversary Edition, in May. You can hear her music and follow her etherized presence at andymbowen.com.
Sex and Song: The Knife, “Full of Fire”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
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At first i was kinda clueless about what to write in this column. My sexuality doesn’t deal with Beyonce’s ass or naked chicks posing in front of a car, the things that represent sex in the average music video. Then I remembered this amazing video my friends made for The Knife. I met the director, Marit Östberg, a few years ago when I was an extra in one of her Queer Feminist Porn shoots and all the films of hers I’ve seen so far have been uncompromising and radical. As she describes the intentions of “Full of Fire” in her own words: “The film ‘Full of Fire’ started to grow as an embryo in the song’s lines ‘Who looks after my story.’ Who takes care of our stories when the big history, written by straight rich white men, erase the complexity of human’s lives, desires and conditions?”
For me, the video shows sex on a broader scale than what’s usually perceived. A hug can be very sexy. More importantly, it offers all sorts of options across the line of hetero-normativity. “Full of Fire” shows beauty in a lot of things that usually get swept under the rug. Old people’s sexuality, gender fluidity, people with disabilities, fetishes. They all deserve attention. And this is exactly the story to look out for here.
The video was shot about a year ago in Stockholm, around the time I had the first date with my ex-lover, who was part of the film crew. I was on tour at the time and she visited us at our little backstage party. Seeing this video now brings back the wild and early days of this relationship. She threw up in a glass in the most graceful way possible next to people doing stick-and-poke tattoos and a bunch of drunk teenagers, who were friends of the support band, were going crazy. What a mess.
Mika Risiko is a Berlin-based musician, promoter, and tour manager. Listen to Crime, her new band with Sarah Adorable of Scream Club. She also plays in sissters.
A Different Kind of Literacy: Art Show "Cliteracy" Hits NYC This Weekend
Let’s be real—we’ve all dated or fooled around with someone who needed to attend this art show. Check out artist Sophia Wallace’s laws to promote “cliteracy” and come up with your own. Help fight ill-cliteracy. And if you’re in NYC, go to the show and let us know what you think!
Just in case you somehow managed to miss this amazing two-birds-one-stone parody of yogurt and birth control commercials when it burst onto the web a couple weeks ago—or if you just want to watch it again—voilà and enjoy! (Mmm, crunchy…)
And just in case afterward you find yourself jonesing for some vintage Sarah Haskins (please don’t tell us you somehow haven’t seen “Target Women”), we took the liberty of tracking down three segments that directly apply here: yogurt, birth control, and lady friends. Get your diverse group of lady friends together and watch ‘em all—maybe over some chocolate.
Who says romance is dead? ;) For random tips and tidbits like this one, sign on up for our birth control reminders.
Image by kimdokhac.
Porn actresses were more likely to identify as bisexual, first had sex at an earlier age, had more sexual partners, were more concerned about contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), and enjoyed sex more than the matched sample, although there were no differences in incidence of CSA. In terms of psychological characteristics, porn actresses had higher levels of self-esteem, positive feelings, social support, sexual satisfaction, and spirituality compared to the matched group.
“33% of men have fantasized about a threesome. Only 9% of women have done the same.”
We seriously love our new coasters. (Though we’re thinking there might be some under-reporting going on in this survey…)
Sex on TV: Condom Etiquette with Dr. Mindy
During last week’s episode of The Mindy Project, Dr. Mindy Lahiri found herself in the awkward situation of telling her new OB/GYN and fellow doctor Dr. Danny Castellano all the dirty details of her sex life. When Danny asks her about protection, Mindy says she uses condoms and isn’t shy to show her disgust. Danny is confused—why are condoms such a big deal? Condom etiquette, Mindy replies. You know, it’s hard for women. Danny, completely unaware of the double standard, stares blankly at Mindy.
Mindy goes on to explain the female contraception conundrum: You want to have condoms (obviously, safe sex is the best sex) but you don’t want to keep them right next to your bed because you don’t want to tarnish the good girl, never-does-this-kind-of-stuff thing you’ve got working for you—nor do you want to give off the air of having a stash nearby for the hordes of men who travel through your bedroom on the reg. So you do the dance where you pretend to think about where you could possibly have had a few leftover from a bachelorette party, like as a goof, and run around your room looking for said goof condoms, purposefully checking the wrong places, until you “magically” unearth one. All of this, just to seem ladylike.
What’s up with that dance? Why did every female watching nodding her head in recognition of the dance, as if it were as commonplace as the Macarena or the Electric Slide? And why was any male viewer who was forced chose to watch this episode as clueless about the whole thing as Danny was?
I’m putting an end to the nonsense right now: being in control of your sexual health does not make you slutty, promiscuous, or any other negative-sounding adjective. It makes you smart. And smart is sexy. I understand that keeping a wholesale club-size box of condoms on your nightstand may not work for the shabby-chic décor you’ve got going on, but there’s no need to bust out an Oscar-worthy performance just to find a condom. And clearly the guys don’t really care. Girls may mature faster than guys, but in this case, guys are five minutes ahead of us—less focused on your big performance and more focused on the dance you’ll be doing together, under the covers. So cut the dress rehearsal and get [it] on with the show.
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Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
