Girls (with new wave hairdos…)
STIs, virginity, confusing hookups, and a visit to the lady doctor, all in one episode? Lauren’s not the only one who’s excited about the debut of Girls. But with all the conversation the show has already sparked, does anyone else out there have this song on repeat in their heads? Not that we’re complaining…
We give the show props for realistically representing how young women use—and don’t use—birth control. But we won’t lie and say we’re not fantasizing about an episode where the characters discover the wonderful world of long-acting reversible contraception. (Fingers crossed!)
Sex On TV: Girls Gets It
HBO’s new show Girls: where even to begin. After watching the pilot and then Sunday night’s second episode with my roommate, my biggest regret is not having taken notes. The blog fodder was literally bombarding me, kamikaze style, and I don’t even know how to tackle this bad boy. But, taking a hint from the legendary Julie Andrews, I guess I’ll start at the very beginning.
Girls, birthed by writer/director Lena Dunham and reared by Judd Apatow, seeks to fill the television void of shows with realistic depictions of twenty-somethings. You know, that awkward time when you realize the career goal you’ve dreamed of since your childhood and focused your college education on is actually the last thing in life you should be doing, you’re not really making any money but working your ass off, you take turns with your friends to coordinate quarter-life crises and breakdowns, and your skin decides to retaliate for four years of mistreatment by reverting back to middle school acne. No resentment in this blogger’s writing voice at all…
Needless to say, I was pretty pumped at the idea of the show and couldn’t wait to put my judgey-pants on and watch the pilot. As a child of the Sex and the City/Gossip Girl/The Hills era, I cannot begin to express the disappointment I experienced when I realized my twenties were more likely going to resemble an episode of PBS News Hour than SATC. Therefore, watching the show, there were a few things I was refreshed by: for starters, Lena Dunham’s character Hannah. She’s awkward, unsure of herself professionally, strapped for cash, and shaped like a real woman. Not Hollywood’s version of a “real woman,” a.k.a. a perfectly coiffed size 4 with curves in all the right places. Instead, she’s frequently unkempt and sporting some curves in some of the wrong places, too. Love it. Hannah is stranded in the no-man’s-land of casually hooking up with a guy she met at a party—and even though he’s rude to her at times, they only hang out if they’re having sex, and her friends don’t like him, Hannah keeps going back to him. Degrading and embarrassing? Yup. But a realistic relationship status for many twenty-somethings? Unfortunately, yes again.
Clearly this show was going to be fair game for a blog post—I decided within the first 10 minutes—so you could only imagine the decibel level of my squeal when the girls started talking unplanned pregnancy, STDs, condoms, etc. To quote one of my favorite SNL characters, this show has EVERYTHING. An attempt to have a frank discussion about using condoms that actually sounds as awkward as they usually go down? Check. A scene inside a women’s clinic that looks more like a spa than a shameful version of a Jiffy Lube waiting room? Check. On-screen STD test? Check. They even have a 23-year-old virgin who hasn’t dedicated her life to religion! So she may use words like “totes,” cite Rent as her authoritative source on HIV/AIDS, and get her love advice from a book called Hey Ladies Bible, but her rationale behind waiting is simply that it hasn’t happened yet.
Girls has come under fire for a number of reasons, and I’m not going to deny that it has its flaws. However, what it does well, it does very well. Sex, dating, hooking up, and birth control can all be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable, but they’re all part, possibly a prevalent part, of a twenty-something’s life. Accurately portraying how all that good stuff REALLY goes down is a point in my book. But what really stole my heart? Watching Hannah struggle to tuck her shirt into her hiked up skirt, wearing ugly gray tights. That may or may not have happened in my own bedroom this morning…
Image from HBO.
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Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
Sex on TV: Undercover Lovers
As long as I’ve been watching TV (basically since I was in utero), the nerd always eventually landed the girl of his dreams. Taking it on back to the days of The O.C., we had Seth, a comic book geek with a Jew-fro and a passion for two things: the band Rooney and Summer Roberts. Summer, mastering all three necessary ‘p’s—pretty, popular, and pint-sized—saw Seth as an untouchable in the caste system where she was God. And what happens? She gives in to her forbidden crush and starts hooking up with Seth in secret. She’s too mortified to admit to anyone that they’re together, and he’s too enthralled to be getting some from his dream girl on the reg to say otherwise. That is, until their relationship is discovered—and they end up realizing they’re perfect for one another, regardless of social order.
But let’s be honest here, show of hands, who here would kick Adam Brody out of their bed? Take Hollywood’s version of “the underdog” both on the big and small screens—eg. Penn Badgley on Gossip Girl, Zack Gilford on Friday Night Lights, Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, and Jesse Eisenberg in every movie he’s ever been in. I wouldn’t hide my relationship with any of them. Still, the storyline rings vaguely familiar to most of us: an unexplained attraction to someone outside your candidate bubble. A bubble dictated by a social circle or self-declared type, in which leaving said bubble will result in excommunication, social suicide, internal bleeding, and probably death. In all actuality, a departure from the norm would probably only warrant the raising of an eyebrow or two, but the consequences seem so much more serious in the moment. So you’re faced with two options: shun your rising desire, publically bash the object of your lust just to cover yourself, and drown your closeted feelings in films featuring the above storylines that will only cut deeper into your tormented soul. Or, start hooking up on the down low.
So there I am watching New Girl—specifically Schmidt and CeeCee, who are sleeping together but keeping it secret by sneaking around (check out the clip above to see for yourself). After all, she has a reputation to maintain and he uses hair chutney. We feigned surprise over their coupling (but she’s a model! And he has driving moccasins!), but in the end, we can’t really be too grossed out. How often does the underdog get the hot girl? Uh, try every time. It’s a basic Hollywood formula: (circle one in each category) Mathlete/Video Gamer/Undisclosed Social Reject But Very Quiet Guy + Hot/Popular/Talented/Charitable Girl + Prom/Impending College Departure/Big Football Game/High School Cafeteria at lunch = Underdog Will Somehow Get The Girl And We’ll Fall Asleep Dreaming Of Our Very Own Loser To Publically Declare His Love And Live Happily-Ever-Through-The-Credits. Schmidt and CeeCee will probably follow in the same vein, demolishing their societal differences like the Berlin Wall, announcing to viewers that their love can survive in the open, even if he calls his car a Manbulance.
But I’ll put it out there: I’m Lauren and I’ve crushed on a guy outside my “social caste” (in full disclosure, I’d say I fall somewhere between local backyard wrestling champion and ‘Elite’ Yelp reviewer). And instead of quelling my desire in fear of social retaliation, I started hooking up with him in secret. Few of my friends knew and I preferred it that way. I won’t lie, feeling socially superior to him was part of the attraction. But the majority, much like CeeCee feels towards Schmidt, was general attraction, even if I couldn’t explain it, excellent chemistry, and the fact that his nonsense made me laugh. Except Hollywood never addresses the fine print: sometimes there are very real consequences to spending your days with the blinds down, playing video games. Sometimes a social outcast is an outcast for a reason: because they’re socially awkward. Sometimes they’re too busy to sweep you off your feet in front of your entire school at prom because there’s a Magic: The Gathering convention the same weekend. So did I feel bad about keeping him on the down low? Yeah, I did. But did I feel a lot better when HE dumped ME for a girl he met in a MMPORPG chat room? You bet your ass I did.
We worked with Funny or Die on a short video series! It’s called “After Last Night,” there are 3 parts, the first is above, and you can see the other two on funnyordie.com.
PS—this series may or may not feature plastic wrap, dry-humping, irreverent humor, and a very awkward hug. (Just sayin’.)
Dear Med Student, Does That Line Ever Work?
Originally published on SexReally.com on December 11, 2009.
This week Stefanie’s Crazy Stories will be brought to you by the fabulous Lauren Mann. Why, might you ask? Because this is her crazy story and I don’t think I would do it justice. Have no fear, I will be back next week with hijinx, shenanigans, and antics of all shapes and sizes.
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One of the incentives I used to persuade my mother to let me move into an off-campus apartment this year was the fact that many med school students call my building home. I reasoned with her that her dream of having me marry a nice Jewish doctor could be more attainable if I surrounded myself with doctors-in-training. While there were other reasons it made sense for me to get an apartment, I’m pretty certain that was the factor that tipped the scales.
As I moved in, I was slightly disappointed at the small turn-out of students eagerly awaiting my arrival. However, I rationalized, they must be in the library, studying and watching old Grey’s Anatomy and ER reruns, honing their skills, or whatever med students do. My roommate is a Public Health major and spends a considerable amount of time at the med school library and she assured me that they partied just as hard as they studied. I was giddy with excitement when she told me we were going to meet some of her medical-library buddies that night.
Well, they were not exactly the same caliber of “hotness” as indicated in popular medical shows, but they were pretty cute. They were only a few years older than us but seemed light years ahead of the guys in our class. The real clincher was the idea that remained in the back of my mind: these guys got themselves into med school. They can’t be too brainless.
We had a great time. My roommate had been engaging recently in some hot and heavy eye-flirting with one of the guys over the cubicle walls at the library and was excited to finally meet up with him in a social setting. They quickly got acquainted with each other’s anatomy on the dance floor. One of this guy’s friends was sending me some serious flirtatious glances, so I joined him at the bar. He was a perfect gentleman; he bought me a drink and we chatted for a few minutes about school, music, and other common small talk topics. My roommate shot me a look from across the dance floor that I easily translated to “How great is this?!” and I nodded, smiled back and returned to my conversation.
Perhaps I’d spoken too soon. My new friend downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and turned to me as he placed his empty glass down.
“So, are we going to go home together tonight? I just want to know in advance. I’m really busy and need to prioritize, you know?”
No, mother, I did not go home with him, though the way he presented that offer, how could anyone have resisted? And for your information, those doctors-to-be that you pray will finally marry me are bigger douches than their undergraduate counterparts. At least a college guy will put a little time and effort into getting in my pants and then feign understanding when I instead give him my number, tell him to call me and depart. Med school guys have books to read and cadavers to explore. They don’t have time for courtship of any kind and I guess I’m just not “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” enough for them.
You can keep your stethoscopes, med students; I’ll move on to the law school.
*****
Lauren Mann works in The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy’s Entertainment Media department. She’s been blogging about sex, love and relationships among twenty-somethings since she first joined the Campaign as an intern in 2009. Check out her personal blog at whatjewtalkingbout.tumblr.com.
We love this video from the Back Up Your Birth Control campaign, and it’s as relevant as ever this New Year’s Eve. You know we’re way into mistake-proof methods like the IUD or the implant, but if you’re using a method that’s subject to error, you may want to use our EC finder and pick up some back up birth control for the old medicine cabinet. While you’re at it, check out this week’s Frisky Friday on how not to let excuses get in the way of a good new year’s kiss.
“Look, no offense meant, but I think we both know this made a lot more sense when we were drunk. Really, really, really drunk.”
They say romance is dead…
Standing Up to Idiots: Responses and Reflections
Originally published on May 15, 2010 on SexReally.com.
Ever since I came out with my story about Mr. Idiot thinking he had the right to take off his condom and pull out my NuvaRing without consulting me, I have received numerous responses, all expressing varying degrees of disgust and disbelief that this kind of stuff does actually happen. The most interesting thing, however, is who I have been receiving responses from. A number of men have written me apologizing for their gender, asking me if I’m okay, and if there is anything they can do for me.
A few examples of responses I have gotten from men:
Good for you for writing about it and sharing it. A lot of women will learn something about those idiots out there and maybe find a way to protect themselves from it. Yes, I know the law doesn’t make this a crime, but in my mind you are right to see this as a form of assault. —John
OMFG! I cannot believe this happened to you (or to anybody)! As a male, this is embarrassing and disgusting. I know I can’t apologize for my gender and/or stop my fellow men from doing terrible things, but, wow. What an outrage. In my book, this is absolutely a form of rape. I’m so sorry this happened to you, Anya. I absolutely support you and commend you speaking out about it. —-Paul
Unacceptable behavior. In my mind, removing protection without consent is a horrible invasion of privacy, as bad as rape. There need to be laws to protect both men and women who are taken advantage of like this. — Drew
These impassioned responses from men lead me to believe that men can help make a change concerning this issue. If men continue to stand up against such repulsive behavior and vocalize their opinions on birth control sabotage, awareness of this issue will increase significantly. After all, this issue doesn’t just affect women, it affects men as well. Men need to hold themselves and other men accountable for their actions towards women. One of the best ways we can ensure a decrease in sexual assault is to make it known within male culture that a majority of men do not condone or accept it.
Of course men can also be victims of birth control sabotage. Women have been known to lie about birth control in order to get pregnant without their partner’s consent. And what about gay men whose partners slip off the condom, increasing the chances of passing a sexually transmitted infection (STI)?
But where do we go from here? What steps do we take to ensure that we’re all protected from Idiots such as this one?
First, we need to understand and truly believe that birth control sabotage is a form of assault.
Second, in order for change to happen, there needs to be a united front. While the response from women to my facebook post has been minimal, I truly believe that women would support a law that would protect them from this sort of abuse if given the choice. I also believe women would not be afraid to vocalize their opinions if they knew a majority of men do not condone this type of repulsive behavior.
I had someone write to me and ask why it is that strong, independent women allow men to continuously abuse them. He was referring to a friend of his whose ex-boyfriend always slipped off his condom during sex without asking. She, a local community leader, a business owner, and an educated woman, never said anything to get him to stop. I believe that while women are strong and independent in many ways, we are still taught to be feeble and are often reminded to act “like a lady.” The message constantly espoused is for women to keep silent and women are shamed into believing that the reason why they are getting abused is because they made bad choices and didn’t have more discernment when it came to men. They shouldn’t have slept with that guy or they should have seen the signs. But how often do we find that people are not what they seemed after we get to know them? Isn’t it a bit ridiculous to assume that a woman will know immediately if a guy is a jerk?
On a related note, I also believe many women don’t have high enough standards for themselves. We’ve made behavior acceptable in our minds because we are afraid to expect something more from someone, afraid to ask too much. So we keep finding ourselves in abusive relationships.
I encourage women (and men) who have similar occurrences—whether it was a hole poked in the condom or removed without you knowing, or sabotage of another birth control method—to speak up and tell your story. You have a right to your body and when someone takes it in their own hands to endanger your sexual health, you have the right to be protected by law. The more we make it known that we expect to have complete control over our sexual health, the less likely it is that others will try to tamper with it.
If we decide to become sexually active we must clearly communicate our needs when it comes to contraception use, what we expect from our partners, and how we want to be treated in any type of sexual relationship. It’s our responsibility to take a proactive role in our own well-being.
To personalize this story more and to help you understand why I feel so strongly about this issue, when I was 16 I was raped. I never pressed charges because I was afraid of what my rapist might do to my family and to me. To this day I regret not taking action and wonder whether he has done this to other women or if he will. I made a promise to myself never again to sit back and allow someone to get away with putting my sexual health in danger. That is why I feel passionately about this and I hope people will support me and other women and men who have experienced birth control sabotage.
Spread the word. Ask your friends to join the facebook group “Standing Up to Idiots” or on Twitter, @AgainstIdiots. And please check out Know More, Say More to learn more about this issue.
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Anya Alvarez, from Gallup, NM, is studying political science and history at the University of Washington. She plays on the university’s golf team and hopes to one day (soon!) combine her interests in public policy and writing.
