Sex and Song: Björk, “Cocoon”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
*****
“Cocoon” by Björk is one of the most perfect songs I’ve ever heard. It seems almost otherworldly in its mood and atmosphere, but as the title implies there’s something in it that always makes me feel warm and safe. I was obsessed with Vespertine when it was first released, but I don’t think I actually heard most of the lyrics on the album until well after I started listening—I was too focused on the entrancing music and vibrant production.
The sounds of “Cocoon” are seductive—the fluttering percussion works as a subtle sedative while the gentle and vulnerable timbre of Björk’s voice seem to peel back the layers of the world, inviting you to be vulnerable as well. I was so mesmerized by the sounds of the song that it took me probably a year to hear everything it was actually saying. I don’t know of another song that so compellingly describes the vulnerability and intimacy of lovemaking. There are thousands of songs that talk about fucking and remind us how much fun that can be, but “Cocoon” talks of sex the way Romeo and Juliet talks of love. It makes you desire and hope for the best of it.
“Cocoon”—especially the repeated lyric “who would’ve known”—leaves the ego out and focuses on the hazy high we feel as lovers. There’s a sense that the singer has reached the heights of love and sex all at once, a moment of complete bliss and perfection where two people are entirely lost in each other. Some of us have felt this with a lover—pure ecstasy, trust, love, desire, and the reciprocation of all these things. I’d guess that for most of us the combination of all these things at once, in harmony, is rare. “Who would’ve known?” is a reminder that moments like these can take us by surprise.
To be touched or even looked at in a way you weren’t aware that you desired, to exhaust each other and fall asleep entangled, these are the things we hope for in the same way we hoped to find a Romeo or Juliet when we were young. “Cocoon” is a memory of every time I’ve felt complete with someone, falling asleep fulfilled, feeling that death could scoop me up and whisk me away and I would just smile because I had shared this moment with the creature beside me.
*****
Brendan Ekstrom is the guitar player for the band Circa Survive. He enjoys sandwiches and always knows where his towel is.
Sex and Song: Salt-N-Pepa, “Push It”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
*****
“Push It” is one of my all-time favorite jams. It was my ringtone for years (“pick up on this!”) and always puts me in a good mood. Plus, I can’t not dance when I hear it (and we all know dancing is like sex with clothes on).
While I don’t think we can take any song or video too literally—or else we might never find a video that exhibits healthy and positive sexuality, since without drama there is no story—I think the general vibe of this song and video are rather feminist. Which is a very good thing in my book since, real talk here, feminists do it better. They know what they want, they’re not afraid to ask for it (or give it to themselves while you wait) and, therefore, they are more genuinely happy to reciprocate. If you want to help us feel good, we’ll help you. Two-way street.
So here are Salt, Pepa, and Spinderella dancing, taking charge of the crowd and their crew, and being sexual because they like sex, not because they are being objectified. They are communicating their needs (“Can’t you hear the music pumping hard like I wish you would? Now push it.”) And they’re having SO MUCH FUN. That is what sex should be! Full of communication, fun, mutual pleasure and a little bit of naughtiness… like when that bass drops in.
*****
Shawna Potter is a member of War On Women, a punk band from Baltimore. She also runs Big Crunch Amp Repair with Brooks Harlan (War On Women, Office of Future Plans), heads the Baltimore chapter of anti-street harassment movement Hollaback!, and is ordained to perform wedding ceremonies. She loves love and hates hate.
Sex and Song: Blonde Redhead, “23”
So much music creates a path to enjoy, complicate, and understand sex. As someone who makes music and has also struggled in love, it occurred to me that musicians might have a unique perspective on sex and love, especially as viewed through the filter of music. But you don’t need to be a musician to feel the intimate link between music and sex. I created the “Sex and Song” series for anyone who loves both. (And that’s a lot of us, right?) Each week a different musician will write about a song that has moved them in some way relating to sex, love, or a combination of the two. And it seems only fair to start with me.
I’ve loved Blonde Redhead since I first heard them. And I’ve always thought of them in terms of sex—one listen and it is hard not to. Blonde Redhead has seen me through so many experiences, both positive and painful. They occupy a very specific, very special place for me. I was often reluctant to talk about them with partners because they were simply mine. Privately.
When 23 came out, I didn’t think I could possibly relate to it as much as I had their earlier records, In Expression of the Inexpressible, La Mia Vita Violenta, and Fake Can Be Just as Good. Nevertheless, I listened to this record alone in my room—and, when the title track came on, something inside me shifted.
Your tainted heart, my tainted love… He was a friend of mine. He was a son of god. He was a son of a gun.
I cried. I’ve experienced a lot of loss romantically. I’ve survived intimate partner violence and sexual assault. Sexuality has not always been a source of joy for me. But—thankfully—sex and love have also been sources of great restoration. Of forgiveness. Of rebirth. Even now—in a happy, loving, stable, and healthy relationship—as I listen to “23,” I carry with me so much that came before. Memories surge.
How many times?
This song consistently provides me with immense peace—even with parts of my history that don’t afford much of that. I want solace. I want to be reminded of that which is sacred. Blonde Redhead offers me this. And I’m immeasurably glad they do.
*****
Katy Otto is an activist, writer, record label owner, and drummer for Trophy Wife. She grew up in the DC area, lives in Philadelphia, and works in social justice and arts communications.
Closing Off to Opening Up: One Girl’s Journey
Originally published on SexReally.com on June 16, 2010.
Everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating—everyone but you and even you aren’t feeling well.
-
-Amanda Palmer
This lyric, penned by one of my greatest musical inspirations, hits the nail on the head in terms of my own experiences and the observed experiences of my friends in all range of confounding, agonizing relational duress. There are some that argue that in this day and age, in which many of us live much longer than past generations and have many more geographical, professional, and emotional transitions, monogamy is unnatural and will inevitably lead us to frustration and a lack of fulfillment. I cite this particular Amanda Palmer line because I think it speaks to this lack, the frustration, the scurried looks around for the next big or better thing—including partners. I’ve thought a lot about the challenges inherent in all variety of relationship styles—long-distance, short-distance, queer, straight, monogamous, nonmonogamous, coupledom, singledom, marriage, domestic partnership, you name it. There was a point at which polyamory, at least conceptually, did give me pause, for several reasons: 1. I was brought up to question everything (even monogamy!); 2. As a result, polyamory struck me as worthy of exploration and thought; 3. Many practical factors, having nothing to do with ideology, affect relationships and should be taken into consideration; 4. Simply put, hearts are complicated. Especially hearts I’ve loved.
In theory, I can get behind polyamory—the practice of concurrent plural romantic and sexual relationships—even though my gut, primal instinct is towards monogamy. Like many of my friends, I read The Ethical Slut and a host of other critical (and not so critical) dialogues around nonmonogamy. It makes sense that people (yes, men, women, and those who ascribe to neither label) crave sexual, emotional, or intellectual variety in partners. Let’s face it—attraction is complex, confusing stuff. Often the people we want to sleep with are not the people we want to depend on. Often someone we are really attracted to is not someone with whom we could imagine spending any prolonged period of time, let alone sharing domestic or psychic space. All of this is hard to sort out.
Polyamory in practice, though, is a different story. Any good relationship, including a monogamous one, is going to have its share of challenges, but there are a certain interesting stressors brought about by different relationship structures such as marriage, living together, dating and living apart, or being single but sexual, to name a few.
The structure of a nonmonogamous committed relationship is, for many, the terrain of unknown variables. It can bring out the best and the worst in people. Pressures from society to couple monogamously, marry, and reproduce combined with a lack of societal, communal support to temper isolation can make it to difficult to navigate both monogamy and polyamory. There are a range of mitigating factors to be sorted out when you add extra people into an equation, and even those who think they can handle it all and are prepared for accompanying emotions may experience feelings and sideswiping they never knew they would. The truth is that one partner in an open relationship may have an easier time finding other partners due to charm, attractiveness, circumstance, or geography. Additionally, finding a partner does not mean that the physical or emotional experience of the new person will necessarily be what you had in mind. If you choose to introduce multiple partners, there is no way to control how one relational dynamic will affect the dynamics of your other relationship(s).
Some of these various issues come out in the book Kink, by Kathe Koja, which tells the stories of two partners who are each having an affair behind the other’s back—with the same woman. Of course this scenario is not the same as honest, forthright nonmonogamy, but it does engender contemplation of themes of fidelity, attraction, and orientation—as well as who has power, security, or an accurate view of their own relationship. It also drives home the reality that whether monogamous or polyamorous, two people can have wholly different perspectives of relationships and events—even those they experience together.
I am lucky to have some really inspiring polyamorous friends who are thoughtful, critical, engaged, challenging people—and they do have their struggles in relationships, but they try to deal with them creatively and compassionately. This includes honoring “secondary” partners’ lives and realities as much as those of their “primary” (I use the terms primary and secondary loosely because I consider them inherently problematic—they afford one partner a space of greater urgency, validity, and security, and to my way of thinking that cannot be a comfortable place for a secondary to be. Furthermore it seems hierarchy-driven, and hierarchy doesn’t strike me as a useful way to approach love), not dating another person who makes their primary partner uncomfortable, and thinking about how to allocate time and effort to value and respect all the people they are involved with. Unfortunately I have also experienced polyamorous people who have poor communication skills, who choose to triangulate and breed competition and misunderstanding between partners, make unethical sexual decisions (as many “monogamous” people do), and centralize themselves as the most important narrators in the drama of life, with others merely serving as peripheral players. In a word, snore.
This isn’t to say that monogamous relationships don’t have their fair share of communication issues, emotional laziness, lack of passion, solipsism, and selfishness. But different relationship structures require different strategies to deal with problems. And a different lens for analysis.
Adding other ingredients into a soup gone wrong doesn’t fix the soup—it just makes it a crazy soup with more ingredients. If you are struggling in your relationship, new partners may serve as a temporary distraction or relief, but won’t fix your problems long-term. Then again, there are all kinds of soups and ways to enjoy them—and we as a culture could stand to think about and embrace that a little more.
Relationships—sexual or not, monogamous or not—require engagement, contemplation, selfishness as well as selflessness, nurturance, and challenge. While monogamy is what makes me feel happiest and healthiest with the right person (someone who feels that the same way and not as if it has been foisted upon them), I will also fight for a world that allows freedom to consider all options and choose mindfully what best fits each of us individually. I like coming to my monogamy as an elected, thought out, feeling-and-thinking-based process rather than a paradigm default. I want a world in which people are respected regardless of gender, age, relationship structure, or orientation—and are empowered to make decisions that are best for them without fear of castigation or reproach.
And a world with its own fair and healthy share of ongoing critique, natch.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
In Review: Why I Wanted to Hate “Sex at Dawn” But Couldn’t
I could barely believe it when a new acquaintance who I have grown to respect deeply insisted, repeatedly, that I read Sex at Dawn. This book by Christopher Ryan, PhD, and Cacilda Jethá, MD, has been described as “the single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the American public in 1948” by the most read sex columnist in the US, Dan Savage. Savage also had Ryan on his podcast and has championed the book repeatedly. Sparking debate and controversy, Sex at Dawn challenges many widely held assumptions about evolutionary psychology. Issues raised include:
- why long-term monogamy is difficult for many;
- why passion can fade even as love deepens (see my recent blog post on bisexuality and the different parts of the brain engaged for different kinds of love);
- why a middle-aged man might risk everything for an affair;
- why homosexuality persists in the face of standard evolutionary logic; and
- prehistoric origins of modern sexuality as they relate to human bodies.
Why did I hate such a book before reading a page of it? Primarily, because my ex-boyfriend read the book upon a vague reference I made to it (without having picked it up myself), and offered it up as evidence that no human being is wired for monogamy. Bearing in mind that my ex was not exactly the world’s greatest emotional communicator, I developed an unhealthy rage towards this book and could not bear to hear it mentioned for the next few months—a problem since he quoted it most days.
Funny thing is once I got around to reading it, I actually found myself nodding along. And I quickly realized that the authors themselves had a much more complex interpretation of their data and research than the snippets I was afforded through my past partner.
Ryan and Jethá describe the lives of our foraging ancestors, who lived in egalitarian groups that shared food, childcare, and, often, sexual partners. The book details how attitudes around sexual monogamy changed with the advent of agriculture and the ownership of property—and then it offers several ideas as to why. In particular, the book introduced me to the term Male Parental Investment (MPI). It notes, “The standard narrative insists that paternity certainty has always been of utmost importance to our species…Why, then, is the anthropological record so rich with examples of societies where biological paternity is of little or no importance?” In cultures where all of the tribe cares for all of the young, it becomes less important who fathered whose child, and thus “where paternity is unimportant, men tend to be relatively unconcerned about female’s sexual fidelity.”
Drawing on anthropology, archeology, primatology, anatomy, and psychosexuality, the authors make the case that monogamy is not necessarily as wired into human nature as other sociologists, cultural theorists, psychologists, and politicians would have you believe. At the same time, they underscore again and again the innate human capacity for love and generosity of spirit, and regardless of gender or sexual orientation. The authors refer often to the bonobo monkeys, who have peaceful communities, a range of partners, high incidence of homosexual activity, and tons of joyful sex. (A wonderful man I know recently quipped about “homo-bonobos” when I was talking to him about the book, to my amusement.)
Sex at Dawn was engaging from start to finish and chock full of surprising information. For example, there is a chart about the relative body size of different types of male and female primates, along with descriptions of their sexual behavior. I was startled to learn that male gorillas only have one-inch penises, largely because the males of the biggest body mass are usually the ones breeding with multiple females and apparently they don’t need to be well endowed to impress the ladies. We also learn about a remote Chinese community in which brothers assume responsibility as the male providers for their sisters’ offspring, and young women control access to their bedrooms for an array of lovers they may choose to receive. While the larger Chinese government has attempted to alter this small community’s norms and practices, so far they have continued, happily and healthily, year after year.
I recommend this book to anyone who ever puzzled over relationships, sex, or how the two intersect. Looking back, I wish I could have had a more informed discussion with my ex about its contents—it clearly had a lot to offer both of us. So grab the book and check out Ryan’s contributions to Huffington Post and Psychology Today. He regularly makes public appearances, tweets items of interest, and develops ideas and discussions to continue this very important conversation.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
In Review: Bi the Way—Is Bisexuality Bigger Than Sex?
Originally published on SexReally.com on August 3, 2011.
I recently stumbled upon this film in my Netflix queue. Released in 2008 by two young women filmmakers, Brittany Blockman and Josephine Decker, Bi the Way chronicles the lives of youth in the Midwest (ages 11-28) who identify as bisexual. Older generations in the film express confusion and disbelief at the concept of bisexuality, dismissing it as an outpouring of the “whatever” generation, who are content to date a boy one week and a girl the next. One women grounds her daughter in response to her daughter’s admission that she is bisexual.
Many of the interviews involve sophisticated assertions by the youth that they can’t be boxed in by simple definitions and that they are guided by attraction that defies even their own understanding of who they thought they might be. They take some degree of solace in images of queer people they’ve seen in mainstream culture. The film includes cameos by the likes of Dan Savage, who muses that gay people’s activism and visibility in the culture at large set the stage for greater confidence among those who identify as straight to experiment outside of opposite-sex-only attraction. Savage maintains that this is, in fact, a good and healthy thing.
Films like this and books like Jennifer Baumgardner’s Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics help set forth complex narratives about what it means to live as a bisexual person in the United States. Neuroscientists, psychologists, anthropologists, musicians, and artists are featured in both the film and the book talking about how, for some, bisexuality is not just a period of exploration, but a way of framing one’s engagement with sexuality and the world. One of the most compelling parts of the film is when one of the scientists mentions a new study that shows that there are entirely different parts of the brain activated for romantic love, lust, and companionate love. The scientist then says that you can experience these at the same time, with more than one person. It makes a striking case for how natural bisexuality truly is to human psychology, because different factors trigger each of the three spheres of the brain.
This film is a great jumping off point for parents interested in talking to their children about sexuality since it provides role models and cultural and historical context to youth who are exploring, or just curious about, bisexual identity. Studies show a rise in numbers of those reporting bisexual behavior: in 2005, the CDC reported that 11.5% of women ages 18-44 reported same-sex encounters, three times as many as ten years before. Yet, as a recent Sexreally post on the subject noted, LGBT youth have been shown to engage in more risk-taking behaviors than their straight friends, and there is evidence suggesting that these behaviors are connected to the prejudice, social policing and hatred LGBT youth encounter on a daily basis.
Bi the Way is a resource for youth who want to hear voices and stories like their own, offering insights from a boy as young as 11 whose father is gay and whose mother is straight and who recognizes a potential freedom in charting a path of his own. One young man is seen asking his former girlfriend if she thought he was gay while they were dating, and the two have a candid discussion about their experiences with one another. The closeness they continue to share post-breakup speaks to the complex and multi-faceted nature of attraction and love. While this young man is dating another young man now, it is clear that his connection to his ex-girlfriend is rooted in genuine respect and love. We as an audience can see that bisexuality for youth is more complex than the detractors would have you believe. The film is poignant because of its focus on the emotional realities of the youth involved. The diverse racial and socio-economic backgrounds of the youth profiled adds to the film’s potentially widespread relevance.
I highly recommend this film for a nuanced look at how bisexual identity is impacting young people and the culture at large—and I recommend sharing it with those around you and in your community. And then share your own experiences.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
Girl, It Ain’t Nothin But A Number: Beyond the Cougar Mythos
Originally published on SexReally.com on March 28, 2011.
I learned long ago that a woman can do herself a mega-disservice by ignoring the advances of younger men. It was never intentional, I just often found myself in situations where I was instinctively more comfortable, happy, and gratified relating to men 5-7 years my junior. They seemed to have a greater zest for life, sense of compassion, thirst for adventure, and acceptance of the wonder of possibility the future can hold. Of all my ex-boyfriends and sweethearts, I count three of the youngest among the kindest, most emotionally astute, and, frankly, most motivated. They are also still among my close friends—something I cannot say of many men from my past who are my age.
I got a little startled when I first encountered the concept and mythology of “cougars.” While I was not old enough at the time to technically be considered a cougar, plenty of my friends made jokes about my attraction to younger guys. There was something about the way the word was used that reeked of predation, a lack of mutuality, and lovelessness. It angered me, even when used in a joking manner, because it represented nothing of my life or my relationships. Furthermore, I couldn’t help noting that no one seemed to be applying any label other than “red-blooded American male” to men who date younger women (well, almost no one).
Simply put, that word frustrated me. So, since I know plenty of stories that defy the boring “cougar” narrative, I decided to ask a host of couples what their relationships were like as younger men with older women. A few intriguing themes arose.
Casey told me that after years of dating younger women, he was refreshed by the sense of self of his older partner. She knew what she wanted, which made him feel that the way they related was more authentic. He told me it strengthened the level of communication between them and he doubted that he would be interested in dating women his age or younger after the experience.
Erica began dating her younger man following a long-term relationship with a woman. Her new partner, who was raised by a self-proclaimed feminist who herself is engaged to a man twenty years younger, is comfortable and capable in a relationship with an older woman. Before dating Erica, he primarily had friends her age and was very comfortable with people older than him. While he is almost ten years younger, Erica says he is the most emotionally capable partner she has ever had.
A resounding theme related to age discrepancy in dating has to do with reproductive capacity—frankly put, women have a shorter timespan within which they can have children. However, this is not always a primary concern for couples when considering compatibility. In a world with plenty of humans already present, there’s no reason for child-bearing and -rearing to be compulsory. Violet already had a child and considers her relationship with her boyfriend now, post-divorce, to be entirely separate from her decision to procreate. Her son has a father and her boyfriend is not meant to play the role of a stand-in dad. She noted that he has expressed disinterest in fatherhood. Ultimately they felt that in spite of a fourteen-year age gap, the interests and sense of the world they share made the relationship well worth exploring.
Many women who date younger men deal with quizzical looks from friends and family, but the couples I spoke to about this are clearly together for reasons that go way beyond sex. Older women benefit from the exuberance, honesty, and enthusiasm of younger men, and younger men grow through intimacy with older, more mature partners with heightened sense of self. In 2011, it is about time we realized that passion, love, and compatibility have very little to do with chronology—and that there are a host of reasons people fall in love. Time to throw some of the arcane, sexist ways of thinking about why a younger guy might be crazy about an older woman, or an older woman crazy about a younger man, out the window.
With love for Daisy, Chris, and Joey, who taught me these lessons and inspire me still.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
Homophobia Hurts Us All
Originally published on SexReally.com on January 31, 2011.
Lately it’s been difficult to turn on the news or the computer without hearing story after story about gay teenagers taking their own lives. This issue is pandemic, complex, frightening, and heartrending. And it’s not a coincidence. According to The 2009 National School Climate Survey released by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), LGBT youth were four times more likely than their straight peers to commit suicide. These numbers point to the war that our culture wages on gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning youth.
While what is most recently and rightfully on our minds as a country is the rash of teen suicides fueled by homophobic taunting and relentless bullying, suicide is not the only health disparity LGBT youth face as a result of social stigma. The GLSEN survey, which interviewed 7,261 middle and high school students, also found that nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT students experienced harassment at school in the past year and that nearly two-thirds felt unsafe because of their sexual orientation. A 2008 Canadian study suggested LGBT youth experience higher rates of teen pregnancy and earlier onset of first sexual activity. The study identified trends in risk behaviors that lead to pregnancy like lack of condom use and early sex (before age 14), often due to sexual abuse.
When it comes to STI risk, the CDC estimates that among men who have sex with men (MSM—this phrase is intended to include men who identify as gay or bisexual but also men who consider themselves straight) the rate of new HIV diagnoses among them is more than 44 times that of other men. Rates are especially dire in communities of color. Furthermore, many people don’t even get tested because to do so would mean owning an aspect of their sexuality they may have disavowed as a survival strategy in their day-to-day life. As stated on the CDC fact sheet about HIV among MSM:
Stigma and homophobia may have a profound impact on the lives of MSM, especially their mental and sexual health. Internalized homophobia may impact men’s ability to make healthy choices, including decisions around sex and substance use. Stigma and homophobia may limit the willingness of MSM to access HIV prevention and care, isolate them from family and community support, and create cultural barriers that inhibit integration into social networks.
So what can we do about it? In order to facilitate healthy decision-making and communication, we need to work towards a more accepting culture. The following is a list I assembled with my incredible friend and inspiration Luke. Luke and I are two (mostly) straight people who felt it was time to devise a list of strategies all of us can use to make things better for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities.
- 1. Start big. Beyond homophobia lives the taboo nature of sexuality in our culture. Make talking about sex a public act—not just from a hypersexual perspective, but from a perspective of love, eroticism, relationships, and health. This doesn’t necessarily mean talking about the act of sex each day, because that too is a strange beast—men talk about sex all day long. We make ads and movies and songs about it. We talk endlessly about having sex and who we’d like to have sex with, but never how we feel about it, and never when we fear it might set us apart from our friends. We need to create forums so that we can start to expose how complex sexuality (and sexual preference) can be. That complexity needn’t divide us.
2. Talk, talk, TALK to your friends (and family). Talk about homophobia and queer identity like you would about politics, like you would about a party. Offer up light speak and honest speak, not heavy confession. We need to take sex, sexuality, and preference out of the closet first and foremost and not be afraid to discuss a stereotypically blush-worthy subject. And if you notice friends or family making homophobic comments, consider calling them on it.
3. Respect privacy. On the other hand, it is perfectly okay to hold sex as a personal area to be respected, a true intimacy. We can do our best to make it clear to the people in our lives that we will respect their autonomy and privacy while also making it clear that we will love them no matter what their orientation or sexual choices.
4. Take the lead from your queer friends. Support the queer people in your life with love and respect. Listen to them. Stand up for them. If there are not a lot of openly queer people in your world, you can also show your support via media advocacy, or by becoming active in queer-friendly organizations.
5. Communicate with young people. Talk (and listen!) to the young people in your life. We need to talk about why calling things “gay” doesn’t make sense. Working in schools for one month will make you realize that middle and high school are very different and scary spaces. We can’t rely on ideas from twenty years ago about what kids say and how they act and “kids will be kids” as a rationalization is getting kids alienated and killed. We need to be strong role models and counsel and support all young people by reinforcing that they and their peers are normal regardless of sexual identity or orientation. A lack of community support for queer youth is driving the epidemic of self-harm and suicide. I don’t believe kids are bad inherently—they learn intolerance and cruelty from adults. Fortunately, change and evolution are possible at every step of our lives. But it’s even easier for young people!
6. Read books, listen to music, and watch films and television made by and about queer people. Learn about LGBT people in your culture and others, today and throughout history. Ask for queer studies programs at your college. Write to television networks about how you would like to see queer representation on your favorite channels. Watch shows in which queer life is made public and normal. Talk about these cultural products and share them.
7. Act politically. Do this as needed. Vote for laws that improve the lives of gay people. Donate to organizations that serve queer youth. Volunteer for organizations that reach out to gay populations with health and community efforts. Tell your friends and family about your efforts and why you want to be an ally.
8. Share this article with a friend, and write your own list of ally strategies to think about.
“Holding hands” photo by originallittlehellraiser.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
This post was co-written with Luke Yablonsky. Luke is a musician, graphic designer, and social justice activist in Portland, Oregon.
An Ode to Good Dudes
Originally published on SexReally.com on December 9, 2009.
As someone who’s outspoken and calls herself a feminist, I have been categorized as a ‘man-hater’ on more than one occasion. Would that life were that simple. I was struck once by a bell hooks quote that critique is the strongest expression of love, because it has at its core the belief that the person you are talking to is capable of change and growth. Truth is I—like many other feminists—love men. And like so many things I love, they have the capacity to blow my mind one moment and break my heart the next. When I find myself critical of what I consider to be the negative and harmful implications of traditional masculinity, it is because I think more, and better, is possible. This is an acknowledgement of the more and better this world could demand and expect. It is possible—if in fragments, if in moments—and deserves recognition.
In my early 20’s, I experienced an exquisitely horrible and public breakup. Wresting myself from that situation was necessary to escape manipulation, dishonesty, and lack of respect on a host of levels. I was shaken to my core, as the relationship was formative and long-standing. I had a tremendous amount invested in a person who turned out to be one of the greatest threats to my well-being I have ever encountered. I steered clear of men—very, very clear—for a very, very long time afterward.
I traveled a lot in that time as a musician. It had been a full year since I had touched or kissed another boy. It was safer—better—that way. One night, a year later, my band found itself at a friend’s house out of state. He had a big bed and I trusted him, so I slept in it. I felt some attraction, but knew that, while charming, this guy had a rep with the ladies, so we simply slept. In the morning we woke up and something felt electric. We kissed and it was unexpected, and was the first time I had had any physical contact with a guy in over a year. I was happy and felt safe—until about 10 minutes into it, where the weight of what I had dealt with kicked in, and I was deep in panic. I started shaking and crying—a horrifying thing to have happen with someone you actually want to be present with.
I couldn’t imagine how a dude I was inspired by but believed to be a womanizer would respond. This guy, this tough, tattooed, twice-my-size guy, sat up instantly and pulled me up. And hugged me. Tight. He knew what had happened. And he said, without skipping a beat, “You aren’t there anymore. He isn’t here. And we can stop. And you are my friend and you are safe. You never have to be back in that moment.”
Funnily, I realized just then that he had a mirror over his bed. And that he was one of the more sensitive, loving men I would ever come across in my life. I began to understand the paradox and see that maybe the nice guy/bad boy dichotomy was not always fully apt.
One of my close friends also provides immense support to everyone whose life he touches. One night I was responsible for 1,000 people attending a concert. Afterwards I was supposed to cook dinner for a crew of about 20 people. The event was a huge success, but it was late and I was on the brink of collapse. Without a peep from me, my friend saw what was going on, went to the grocery store and, by the time I arrived at my house, had cooked for everyone. So that I wouldn’t have to. Because he had my back. This was also the kind of guy who would walk his female friends to their cars after late nights out dancing. He is my big cheerleader, my heart and my rock.
Another man I knew through music also exercised a great deal of perception and ingenuity in being an ally to women. One night during a tour with his band, he found himself in a living room that had been the scene of a post-show party. One woman, a member of one of the other bands, had passed out drunk. A guy there was trying to drag her, inert, into the other room to have sex with her while she was unconscious. The man I was acquainted with conferred with his bandmate and one of them went to buy coffee and cigarettes while the other blocked the doors. All night long, the two just sipped coffee and chain-smoked to keep an eye on the would-be rapist. The guy was angry and cussed them out, but in the morning he thanked them, saying he had been on the brink of making a huge mistake.
I feel grateful for having men like this in my life. I know these are only a few examples of the myriad ways in which men support women—examples of ways in which I have been impacted. This should not be rare, and is not rare, but these are not the kind of stories we hear enough of. These are stories that I tell myself to drown out other stories—stories that shake my faith and hurt my trust. This should be what we as a society expect from our men. Integrity, decency, honesty, sense of community and compassion.
There are men I know who have expressed to me that when they wanted to stand up for something or speak against a crowd, there were negative social consequences for doing so. I think feminist support of healthier masculinity means figuring out how to make these choices more attractive and “normal”. And that work belongs to all of us—not just men.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
Eyelash Batting, Pursuit, Conquest, and Cognitive Dissonance
Originally published on SexReally.com on October 21, 2009.
Big, big smile to the gas station attendant. I was ten years old, and it was summer. I was riding in the front seat of my grandfather’s camper, on my way to meet my mother and sister at the pool. I could detect a glint in the teenage boy’s eyes, and found myself tossing my hair and batting my eyelashes. At ten.
My stoic German grandfather looked over at me. He frowned. As we pulled out of the lot, he moved the van into a parking spot. “Katherine, I need to talk to you about something,” he said firmly.
I loved having the favor of this brilliant, eccentric, bellowing man. A German immigrant, a vegetarian at the age of 7, my Opa taught me the value of independent thinking and living in accordance with one’s own ideals. I could tell he was unhappy, and became silent and attentive.
He looked me square in the face. “Throughout the course of your life, you are going to be encouraged to participate in a whole host of behaviors. Some, you will be encouraged to participate in simply by virtue of being a young lady. You are an attractive girl and you will realize that you can use this to your advantage in life, to receive things or hold power with men. However, I am going to ask something of you right now. I am going to ask that you never be the kind of woman to abuse someone’s real and true interest in you, real and genuine feelings, for her own gain. I am going to ask now that you never exploit someone who has taken to you in that way, because I think you are a stronger, better person than that. You do not have to reciprocate those feelings EVER – never let anyone make you feel you do. But you can at least be respectful of someone having them as long as they are being respectful towards you.”
Fairly heavy for someone who hasn’t hit puberty yet.
I nodded. And I thought.
This moment would come back to me over years, in a host of ways. It would come back to me as I watched men and women string each other along, power struggle, bait and switch, mislead, and misrepresent. It was a heady feeling to be a teenage girl and notice the way adult men would stare at your body, appraising, appreciative – and at times scary and leering. It was terrifying to witness the nature of friendships with boys change, the nature of teasing change, of banter and rough-housing. Befriending a girl labeled a “slut” in high school afforded me the tag of one as well, years before I had ever even slept with a boy.
After a few experiences of being the sidekick to the popular girl at parties, in vans, at raves and behind the schoolyard, and after navigating my way (usually with humor and awkwardness) out of messy, scary situations, I began to get the message that attracting men was a form of power but also posed an undeniable threat. I failed to see this as the “well-intentioned” sort of admiration my grandfather had spoken of to me.
It becomes clear to most women and girls fairly quickly that to arouse desire also means to invite unwanted advance, comment, assessment and demarcation. The same guy who tells you how fine you are one moment can scream at you that you are a worthless cunt and a bitch when you ignore him the next. I have wanted to go back in time, and ask my Opa what he would think about a guy I met recently, who worked at a café I frequented. This guy had always been really friendly to me, and one day pulled me aside to tell me he had been interested in me for over a year. He asked me out to lunch. It seemed so genuine that I gave him my number – only to deal with a drunken call that night at 4 am asking what I was up to.
I don’t think that is the kind of attention my Opa had in mind.
Against this kind of a backdrop, is it any wonder girls and women struggle with feeling safe about being sexual?
Sex, love and attraction are richer and more powerful when experienced in unscripted ways, by complex, whole human beings – with their own share of assets, histories, and foibles. Humans find ways to appreciate some aspects of traditional gender roles that work for them but also challenge those that don’t. As a culture, we have everything to gain from being frank about this – and, as my Opa said, honoring genuine respect and admiration in one another, as depraved as the backdrop we are living against may be.
*****
Katy Otto is a social justice activist, writer and musician who grew up in the DC area. She works in nonprofit management and development.
