I’m okay if we disagree on political positions as long as we agree on sexual positions.
Via someecards
We’ve learned recently, thanks to vlogger Veralyn Williams and some of our Facebook friends, that political differences are a bigger deal to some folks than others. But whether you see clashing political views as a deal breaker or a turn-on, we hope everyone can agree that exercising your right to vote is a very big deal.
If you need even more Someecards-style voting motivation, we’ve got you covered:
See you at the polls, hot stuff.
3 Ways to Deal With Political Differences in a Relationship
With Election Day just around the corner, I’ve noticed a lot of my Facebook friends being way less tolerant about political views that differ from theirs. I’ve witnessed “un-friending” announcements and call-outs in the comments of politics-related status updates. With dating and relationships on the brain (as always), of course I found myself wondering how this political climate is affecting our love lives.
Through the interview process for my latest vlog, Is Politics a Dating Deal Breaker?, I learned that political differences can cause conflict in a relationship, but that they don’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker. Here are 3 political problems I heard about, and solutions to get past each.
Problem #1: My partner sees EVERYTHING as political—and I don’t.
You know those people who make everything into a conspiracy by the government, or who can’t get through dinner without pointing out all the ways the restaurant is not “green”? If you’re not as passionate about the same issue, this might get old really fast.
Solution: Remind your sweetie that being present and in the moment (with you!) is just as important. Interviewee K-Swift has to be reminded of this sometimes:
Problem #2: The views of our families conflict.
You can choose your mate, but you can’t choose their family—or yours, for that matter. So what do you do when grandma makes a racially insensitive statement at Thanksgiving dinner?
Solution: Pick your battles and remember there is a time and place for everything. Natasha’s take:
Problem #3: We just don’t see things the same way.
Probably the most common conflict of all: You think you’ve found the one, but every time you talk about your political beliefs, the “love” seemingly goes out the window. Sounds like an impossible situation, but does it have to be?
Solution: Decide it’s okay to agree to disagree. Or, in the words of Obama, disagree without being disagreeable. Henry, tells us how he (a conservative) and his wife (a liberal) make their relationship work:
How does politics affect your relationships (romantic or otherwise)? Could you see yourself in a “bipartisan” relationship?
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Can’t we all just get along? Depends who you ask…
On Kink and Communication: 3 Tips From a Dominatrix
Late to the party, I recently completed the “50 Shades of Gray” Trilogy. And let’s just say I wasn’t scandalized. Then again, erotica is nothing new to me. In high school I read every Zane book there was and over the last year I’ve listened to all of Dan Savage’s sex advice podcasts. So no, not many things shock me when it comes to what goes on in bedrooms around the world. Trying to make sense of all the excitement about the “50 Shades” books in light of my own reaction to them led me to the question in this month’s Bedsider vlog: How “normal” is BDSM?
One of my interviewees for the vlog, Lady Zombie, is a professional Dominatrix. She had lots to share about BDSM, of course, but I couldn’t help thinking that a lot of her advice is relevant to anyone looking to have a fulfilling, active sex life.
So whether your dream is to bring your favorite erotica novel into reality or just add some sprinkles to your “vanilla” ice cream, here’s 3 universal gems from Lady Zombie:
1. Demand what you want! (Or ask nicely.)
“I think being a dominant…being a Dominatrix really stems from knowing what I want and accepting and appreciating that there are people out there that will give you exactly what you want. If you just know how to tell them.”
Whether that means asking to bring a toy to bed, taking a bubble bath together, or wanting your significant other to dress up like your celebrity crush, you won’t get what you want unless you ask. BONUS: Talking about what turns you on is good practice for talking about how to stay safe STI- and pregnancy-wise—and vice versa!
2. Find someone you’re compatible with sexually.
“My significant other is completely comfortable with everything that I do, what I engage in professionally and socially. And he understands it… It’s something he goes along with, and he does it very well, but he knows it’s for me.
One of the benefits of being able to “demand” what you want in the bedroom is that sooner or later you’ll end up with someone who truly enjoys doing what it takes to please you—maybe even someone who takes pleasure in the same things!
3. Don’t be afraid to experiment (you may be “kinkier” than you think).
“To the average woman who has played with S&M without really understanding that they are involving themselves in kinky activities that are not vanilla to a lot of people… people play and they experiment, and, you know what, it is BDSM—it’s just what we call lite.”
Believe it or not, being “kinky” doesn’t necessarily mean something traumatic happened to you as a child and it doesn’t mean that you have to be down for anything and everything. The important thing is to keep an open mind, because you never know what you might be into and enjoy. (Don’t tell me you’re not a little bit curious about the pleasure balls Christian used on Anastasia…)
Check out Lady Zombie’s lessons in her own words and let me know in the comments what you think of her advice.
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Is the Grass Actually Greener in Kansas City?
This summer, I decided to put my love of traveling and meeting new people to the test and go where I have never gone before… the Midwest! My first destination was Kansas City (which I quickly learned is partly in Missouri, not just Kansas State).
My assignment? To find out about the Kansas City experience when it comes to dating, relationships, and sex. After hitting up all the KC hotspots, including Westport (where I interviewed a couple on their first date about their birth control habits) and The Plaza (where I was propositioned by a cute guy who was very direct about his “intentions”), I headed to the The Power & Light District, where I sat down with two people the locals go to with their dating and relationship questions and got to know them a little bit.
Pamela Spencer and Damon Smith are dating columnists and bloggers for Ink Magazine, a specialty publication from The Kansas City Star. During our interview, I brought up Forbes Magazine’s “America’s Best Cities For Singles” list, which ranks the 40 largest metropolitan cities in America on: coolness, cost of living alone, culture, job growth, online dating participation, nightlife, and the ratio of singles to the entire population of the area.
Kansas City ranked #37 in 2009, the last time they compiled this list, and Pamela told me about this low rating before we even met in person. And though no one I spoke to in KC knew about the Forbes list, no one was surprised. Almost everyone I talked to was either married, divorced, or engaged, which (I imagine) sucks for the single folks in town. Then again, Pamela met her husband in the KC dating scene, while I live in the city that ranked #1 (NYC) and am still waiting for someone to “put a ring on it.” So maybe living in a great place for singles isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Listen to what Pamela and Damon have to say about dating in KC for yourself, then tell me what you think in the comments: would you ever consider moving to another city to improve your dating odds?
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
The best of times, the worst of times: A year with the IUD
So guess what? The cost of birth control can get just as high in Lawrence, Kansas, as it can in New York City. I found that out last month when I traveled to the Midwest to report on dating in a college town. While I was there I spoke to Amanda Sanchez, a student at the University of Kansas who told me she pays $60 a month for the pill—which adds up to $720 a year! Um… I’m not down with paying that now, let alone when I was a broke college student (though I realize it’s still way cheaper than a baby).
Talking with Amanda reminded me why I decided to get a Mirena IUD. On average, the IUD costs about $1,000 every 5 to 10 years—sounds like a lot, but compared to the $3,600 to $7,200 Amanda will spend if she stays with the same pill for 5 to 10 years, it’s a steal.
This June marks my one-year anniversary with the IUD, so to celebrate I thought I’d share the 3 best—and, to be fair, the 3 worst—things about my experience so far.
Best #1: Money money money…
Yes, the upfront cost can be high*, especially for the uninsured like me: I paid $200 for the doctors visit, and almost $500 to get the IUD inserted—but since that initial cost, I haven’t had to budget for getting a prescription written and filled since. And that is a huge financial relief.
Worst #1: Cramps!
Growing up, I would hear girls in high school complain about having bad cramps, but I thought they just wanted an excuse not to do anything in gym class. I never understood how bad cramps could get since I never had them until I got the IUD. Let’s just say I get it now.
Best #2: Shorter, more regular periods
These days my period lasts 3 to 4 days max, whereas before I was a 7 to 8 day girl. And now I can always immediately answer the question every woman has been asked by a doctor or nurse: What was the date of your last period? It now arrives at the same time each month. I can set my watch by it! (Well, almost…)
Worst #2: 6 months in the red (and I’m not talking about debt)
It took over 5 months for those short, regular periods to kick in. For the first few months, let’s just say “Aunt Flow” would not go home. I’m talking 2 weeks at a time, with spotting in between. I was really worried at first, until a doctor told me its totally normal. And then I was merely not amused.
Best #3: Peace of mind
When you know you’re not interested in babies, there is nothing like not having to worry about pregnancy scares. I just came out of a pretty intense relationship with a guy who came with a lot of baby-mama-drama, and it felt good to already have my birth control method in place even before we had our initial “sex talk.” Bonus: it let the guy know right away that I’m in control of what happens to my body, and I know he respected that.
Worst #3: Getting too comfortable
When you’re on a super-effective birth control method and not worried about pregnancy, it can be tempting to make the dumb decision not to use condoms— especially if you trust the person you’re with and you’re in love. Unfortunately, getting pregnant is not the only thing to worry about. HIV/AIDS is all too real, and even the more manageable/curable STIs like chlamydia and gonorrhea can have some pretty nasty effects if left untreated. (Scary side note: I was just reading about a drug-resistant form of gonorrhea that has so far been identified in Japan, United Kingdom, Australia, France, Sweden and Norway.)
So as an anniversary gift to myself and my Mirena, I’ll be stocking up on Midol and condoms in preparation for another great year together.
*Up-front IUD costs can be high, but they aren’t always. If you’re wondering how much it would cost for you, Bedsider has more info about IUD costs depending on insurance and income and a free birth control finder widget.
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
“I actually had a friend who, I think this kind of just a little bit of a Midwest kinda thing… his father met his wife ‘cause he was driving and he saw her and he thought she was really cute, so he pulled in front of her and then put on the brakes and, like, stopped her car and then asked her out on a date.”
“Woooowww. That would not go down in New York!”
Pulling someone over to ask them on a date: cute or creepy?
5 Tips for Flirting, Onscreen and Off
My vlog question this month was what makes someone a “Smooth Talker.” After many interviews, I’ve concluded that a big part of it is showing romantic interest in someone in a way that gets them interested too. Otherwise known as flirting—something I am constantly being accused of, even when my interest is 100% non-romantic. However, when I am looking to get the attention of someone I find attractive, there are at least 5 things I know I do. And they work in TV and movies too!
Check them out:
1. Make your presence known. When you’re interested in someone, make sure they know you exist. This can be accomplished simply by smiling, maintaining eye contact, and initiating conversation. May seem obvious, but even I have been guilty of depending on mutual friends to introduce me to someone I find cute. But a casual introduction by a third party does not say, “I think you’re hot!” And the key is to make a lasting impression. Anyone who’s watched the movie Hitch’s Alex ‘Hitch’ Hitchens (Will Smith) has witnessed this being accomplished against all odds:
2. Give compliments. And not just obvious ones. Instead, be in the moment and look for actions or traits that genuinely impress you to comment on. If the person you’re interested in says something to make you laugh, don’t be afraid to mention how funny you think he or she is. And if all else fails, you can always dedicate a poem to your love interest, like Darius (Larenz Tate) did to Nina (Nia Long) after they first met in Love Jones.
3. Find a reason to make contact. Innocent, unnecessary touching is a guaranteed way to show interest! And an easy way to start is with a handshake. Not one with a power grip, but one that lingers and is accompanied with eye contact and a smile. Another way to “connect” is a subtle forearm grab upon excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or leaning in to talk in a loud room. In most cases this only works for women, but men can sometimes pull it off too. On Sex and the City, for example, Robert (Blair Underwood) went beyond the call of duty to make contact with Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) around minute 2:15 of this clip:
4. Names matter. Never underestimate the power of remembering and using someone’s name. And saying someone’s name suggests you’re interested in getting to know them better. Check out Whitley (Jasmine Guy) from A Different World—after making her presence known (tip #1!)—strategically slipping in the name of the guy she’s crushing on (min 1:34):
5. Be engaged! Be inquisitive! This is where my work as a journalist comes in handy;) You’ll never guess how many times I’ve been introduced to someone for the first time and learned something about them that our mutual friend knew nothing about. Listening, asking follow-up questions, and getting to those “I can’t believe I’m telling you this” moments will definitely leave a lasting impression.
And always: Be Yourself. When flirting, ultimately you should only say and do things that come naturally. Nothing is worse than looking like you’re trying too hard!
Have you used any of these tips while flirting? Tips of your own to share?
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Holla, Hollaback: An Interview with Emily May
So you’re walking down the street, headed to work, or school, or the laundromat (because only the sweatpants and T-shirt you have on are clean) and you hear: “If no one has told you how beautiful you are today, please let me be the first.” What do you do?
a) Stop and give out your phone number immediately!
b) Keep your blinders up and start walking a little faster.
c) Smile and say thank you.
Personally, I’m an option “c” kind of girl. As I admitted in Street Hollas: When Is It NOT Harassment?, I enjoy the occasional compliment from a stranger in the street. But yes, the reality of how quickly a “You looking good, girl” could potentially turn into a “F*** you, B****” is always in the back of my mind. And when it happens, the experience can ruin more than just your day.
So what is the solution? Because as a single gal in NYC, eliminating the public sphere as a possible place to meet “Mr. Right” is just not realistic.
To get some answers on when a street “holla” crosses the line into “street harassment,” I spoke to Emily May, Executive Director of Hollaback!, an international movement dedicated to ending street harassment by empowering victims to share their personal stories. (FYI, according to Stop Street Harassment, street harassment means unwelcome words and actions from unknown persons in public, which are motivated by gender and invade a person’s physical and emotional space in a disrespectful, creepy, startling, scary, or insulting way.)
Emily talked to me about the difference she sees between a friendly street holla and street harassment and explained why she thinks Hollaback! is so important.
Your turn: what are your thoughts and experiences RE street hollas? Is a holla always harassment?
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Over my dating history I have come to realize that I am not very romantic. At least not in the way most of the movies and TV shows I watch tell me I should be. Don’t get me wrong—I am thoughtful, especially when it comes to giving gifts or planning a date… but when it comes to the mushy parts like holding hands, whispered I-love-yous, and candlelit dinners, I haven’t been able to make that leap often.
This flaw of mine has gone virtually unnoticed—and my theory on why? I’d say it’s because I’m female and African. I’ll explain.
…because I’m female!
As my latest vlog (above) shows, guys get way more pressure to be romantic than women do. It’s like it’s expected that women already have romance in our blood or something. Romance is equated with love, which is equated with affection… all things we’re supposed to get from our mothers and therefore have as woman. So… apparently men have to prove they can match our natural-born romantic tendencies.
…because I’m African!
The first place a child feels love and affection (in a perfect world) is from their parents, but the way “love” is expressed is different in different cultures. Based on a conversation with my dad and my sister, I realized that the reserved way my Sierra Leonean parents showed their love definitely shaped my ability to be romantic. They both agreed…
Like my sister points out during my interview with her, communication is everything! That and being open to trying romance—even if it’s just to make the person you’re with happy. And luckily for (the future) him, I’m up for both.
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomincs. Also freelancing for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television,Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
