Traveling folk—has wanderlust ever affected your love life?
Do you know everything you need to know about STDs? …Are you sure?
The Fine Art of Condom Negotiation
Why the need for STD Awareness Month? Well, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), nearly 20 million new sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) occur in the United States each year, and half of them happen among young people ages 15–24. It’s scary to think so many young people have not gotten the memo that safer sex is a must.
It should go without saying that a big part of practicing safer sex is using a condom—every time. And yes—in “the heat of the moment” negotiating condom use can be difficult. That’s why in a perfect world that conversation would always happen long before the foreplay starts. But of course we live in the REAL world, where things tend to move quickly. So how can we get our partner on board for using protection? I talked to 3 sexual health educators who offered the following pointers:
#1 take-away here: Make using a condom fun! And as I recently learned during a Harlem United Tea Party (the name of their safe sex presentations), one way to do that is by putting on the condom with your mouth. (If you’ve never seen it done, check out Putting on a condom w/ NO HANDS, starting at 6:21). During our interview, sex educator Tasha Douge explains why this method can be highly effective:
What are your secrets to negotiating condom use? Share them in the comments below!
*****
Veralyn Williams is a Multimedia Freelance Journalist currently working in New York City. She has spent 4 years at WNYC Radio working with various departments including: Radio Rookies, Culture, News, and Freakonomics. She also freelances for Black Enterprise, BronxNet Television, Bedsider, and The Museum for African Art. Her independent work is featured on her website VeralynMedia.com. Through all of her endeavors she aims to give a voice to perspectives that are often forgotten in the media.
Sex and Song: The Knife, “Full of Fire”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
*****
At first i was kinda clueless about what to write in this column. My sexuality doesn’t deal with Beyonce’s ass or naked chicks posing in front of a car, the things that represent sex in the average music video. Then I remembered this amazing video my friends made for The Knife. I met the director, Marit Östberg, a few years ago when I was an extra in one of her Queer Feminist Porn shoots and all the films of hers I’ve seen so far have been uncompromising and radical. As she describes the intentions of “Full of Fire” in her own words: “The film ‘Full of Fire’ started to grow as an embryo in the song’s lines ‘Who looks after my story.’ Who takes care of our stories when the big history, written by straight rich white men, erase the complexity of human’s lives, desires and conditions?”
For me, the video shows sex on a broader scale than what’s usually perceived. A hug can be very sexy. More importantly, it offers all sorts of options across the line of hetero-normativity. “Full of Fire” shows beauty in a lot of things that usually get swept under the rug. Old people’s sexuality, gender fluidity, people with disabilities, fetishes. They all deserve attention. And this is exactly the story to look out for here.
The video was shot about a year ago in Stockholm, around the time I had the first date with my ex-lover, who was part of the film crew. I was on tour at the time and she visited us at our little backstage party. Seeing this video now brings back the wild and early days of this relationship. She threw up in a glass in the most graceful way possible next to people doing stick-and-poke tattoos and a bunch of drunk teenagers, who were friends of the support band, were going crazy. What a mess.
Mika Risiko is a Berlin-based musician, promoter, and tour manager. Listen to Crime, her new band with Sarah Adorable of Scream Club. She also plays in sissters.
How far will you go for love? A tattoo of their name? Waxing your juicebox? Getting an IUD? (If you really are thinking about an IUD, good for you. Its effectiveness is legendary.)
Think it won’t happen to you? If you’re having sex and not using birth control, you’re basically trying to get pregnant. (And the odds are good you WILL get pregnant, so stick with your method.)
We’re pretty sure you know how babies are made, but this little reminder makes a really good point. Sperm are amazingly determined and birth control is your best friend if you don’t want to have a baby just yet.
Sex and Song: Nine Inch Nails, “Closer”
You don’t need to be a musician to appreciate the connection between sex and music. Still, we thought it would be fun to hear what they have to say about it. In our “Sex and Song” series, curated by drummer and producer Katy Otto, musicians share a song about sex, love, or both, and what it means to them.
*****
“Closer” by NIN makes me hot because 1. It doesn’t cheapen sex by making it “sexy” (i.e. Britney Spears’ “Oops, I did it again”) 2. Instead, it makes sex seem raw, life-altering, and like the deepest possible “Fuck yeah!”—which, to me, is sexy as hell. The video has roaches crawling about, a monkey strapped to a cross, and a Claude Colbert look-alike holding an animal’s skull. It makes sex dangerous, religious, and something to be contended with. Most mainstream music talks around sex. They ‘beat around the bush’, so to speak, flippantly alluding to sex as something you can either buy, or get by buying the right things (the right bikini, the right hair product, the right style of jeans). None of them hit the bulls-eye with their tongue like Trent Reznor did with this song.
I was a really innocent teen when I first heard it, seemingly light years away from getting laid, though I was pretty sure I knew what sex was. When Reznor said, “I wanna fuck you like an animal” something inside me quietly said, “oh. oh my.” Because even then, I knew what he meant.
This song is bestial, and that’s an aspect of sex that marketing professionals and pop princesses are usually afraid to acknowledge. We are beasts of nature, and no matter how much we post witty comments on Twitter and put on suits and take our SATs and plan for our retirement, we want to be fucked so hard that we forget our name. We want to be gasping for breath, both killed and reborn by someone who dares to violate and consecrate us. As a teen growing up amid the hum-drum of the suburbs in an age of technology, it was terrific to see that bestial element of sex represented. It made sex potent, magical, and yes—when it finally happened—closer to God.
*****
Sabrina Chap is a writer, editor and musician. Her anthology, Live Through This: On Creativity and Self-Destruction includes essays on art and survival by Amanda Palmer, Nan Goldin, Margaret Cho, Swoon, bell hooks and more awesome renegade artists. Her studio debut, “Oompa!’ has been lauded as a knee-slapping, bawdy good time. Her latest release, “We Are the Parade” is a queer-tastic horn explosion, full of vaudevillian laughs and sweetly sung expletives. Check her out at sabrinachap.com.
Speaking of National Condom Week, why not make a film about them? (And maybe win a prize.)
Attention all artsy, video-making types: it’s not too late to help demystify the female/internal condom by making a cool/funny “Female Condoms Are_______” video. If you submit your video by March 1, you could win some $$$cashmoney$$$ in addition to contributing your artsiness to a worthy cause.
Sex and Song: Blonde Redhead, “23”
So much music creates a path to enjoy, complicate, and understand sex. As someone who makes music and has also struggled in love, it occurred to me that musicians might have a unique perspective on sex and love, especially as viewed through the filter of music. But you don’t need to be a musician to feel the intimate link between music and sex. I created the “Sex and Song” series for anyone who loves both. (And that’s a lot of us, right?) Each week a different musician will write about a song that has moved them in some way relating to sex, love, or a combination of the two. And it seems only fair to start with me.
I’ve loved Blonde Redhead since I first heard them. And I’ve always thought of them in terms of sex—one listen and it is hard not to. Blonde Redhead has seen me through so many experiences, both positive and painful. They occupy a very specific, very special place for me. I was often reluctant to talk about them with partners because they were simply mine. Privately.
When 23 came out, I didn’t think I could possibly relate to it as much as I had their earlier records, In Expression of the Inexpressible, La Mia Vita Violenta, and Fake Can Be Just as Good. Nevertheless, I listened to this record alone in my room—and, when the title track came on, something inside me shifted.
Your tainted heart, my tainted love… He was a friend of mine. He was a son of god. He was a son of a gun.
I cried. I’ve experienced a lot of loss romantically. I’ve survived intimate partner violence and sexual assault. Sexuality has not always been a source of joy for me. But—thankfully—sex and love have also been sources of great restoration. Of forgiveness. Of rebirth. Even now—in a happy, loving, stable, and healthy relationship—as I listen to “23,” I carry with me so much that came before. Memories surge.
How many times?
This song consistently provides me with immense peace—even with parts of my history that don’t afford much of that. I want solace. I want to be reminded of that which is sacred. Blonde Redhead offers me this. And I’m immeasurably glad they do.
*****
Katy Otto is an activist, writer, record label owner, and drummer for Trophy Wife. She grew up in the DC area, lives in Philadelphia, and works in social justice and arts communications.
